


You Aren't Cute (Yes You Are, But Don't Say Anything)

by littleshitwithdreams



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Bisexual Peter Parker, Canon-Typical Violence, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, How Do I Tag, M/M, NTW is done with Wade's shit, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Pansexual Wade Wilson, Peter Parker & Wade Wilson are Best Friends, Peter just goes along with Wade's babbling, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Wade Wilson Breaking the Fourth Wall, Wade talks about Ryan Reynolds way too much for a normal person, but they weren't at first, idk yet, maybe smut, now they love each other, shit load of fluff tho, yukio is the cutest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2019-07-07 20:36:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15915774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleshitwithdreams/pseuds/littleshitwithdreams
Summary: Spider-Man and Deadpool plan to take out a disgusting pedophile. Deadpool is annoying and Peter exposes some things he probably shouldn't to get what he wants.It's honestly all a mess but Peter thinks Wade is cute even if he won't admit it.(I suck at summaries but it's a fun time so please read.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spider-Man meets Deadpool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've never written anything on AO3 before and i've never written about wade and peter. so... idk, plz be kind i guess.   
> i'm planning on going back and editing everything when i get a few chapters posted so sorry if it sucks rn. it'll probs be better when i edit it and stuff.

Peter had no idea that doing his usual nightly patrol as Spider-man would lead to spending time with Deadpool.

It wasn't like he was looking for the infamous merc with a mouth when he ran across a group of questionable men standing in a dark alley in Queens. He had heard shouting coming from the strange men from a few blocks away so he decides to swing over to check out what was going on, hoping that for one it wouldn't be a mugging and just some dude pals having some fun. Peter was kind of exhausted due to the night of patrolling the night before. He loved his job, really, but sometimes he just wishes that for once, the villains in New York would take the night off, just so he could get some rest. Either way, Peter continued to do his duty and protect the city despite how tired he was. 

He perches on the edge of a building overlooking the group of men in the alley, unaware that Peter had made an appearance. The men were shouting, angry because, from what Peter could get out of the shouting, one of them (a bald guy with a shiny head) had refused to hand over the money he had lost in a bet. The man that wanted the money (an older man with a beard and a face tattoo) was waving his hands around and yelling about how he won the bet fair and square. Baldilocks huffed and turned to walk away, only to be stopped by guy that didn't look too much older than Peter, probably in his late twenties. Face Tattoo chuckled and cracked his knuckles as if he were getting ready to punch Baldilocks but instead he turned around and Peter heard him whisper something he couldn't decipher to a forth guy. 

The next thing Peter knew, Baldilocks pulled a handgun out of the back of his pants and hit the dude that stopped him in the back of the head. Face Tattoo grunted and pulled a gun as well, but instead of hitting anyone with it, he flipped off the safety and was prepared to shoot. That's when Peter decided it was time for him to swoop in and stop someone from dying. 

"Hey, guys!" He says, happily. "Can't we just hug it out, maybe?"

Face Tattoo shot. Peter ducked and covered his head, the bullet missing him by more than a foot. 

"Whoa, man, that was kinda rude. Did whoever raise you teach not to shoot guns at people?" Spider-Man sat up and shot a web at the gun and yanked it from Face Tattoo's grasp. The forth guy that looked vaguely like Steve Carell ran, not wanting anything to do with what was going on. Probably for the best, Peter thinks to himself. 

"He's got my money!" Face Tattoo shouted and pointed towards Baldilocks. The younger man holding Baldilocks from leaving whipped out a knife and held it out, pointed at Peter. 

"Oh, you have a knife!" Spider-Man cooed and shot a web and yanked the knife out of the guys hand. That's when Baldilocks cocked his gun and pointed it at Face Tattoo. 

"Tell him to leave me alone and I won't shoot." Baldilocks grunted. "He cheated so he don't get the money no more."

Peter held up his hands and slowly walked toward Baldilocks, trying to test whether or not the man was going to switch his aim and point it at him instead. The young guy that had the knife backed away and made his way behind the dumpster, hiding from whatever was going to go down. 

"I'm just saying, man, if I don't get my money, I've gotta guy that can get it from you." Face Tattoo claims, which angers Baldilocks a good deal, causing him to pull the trigger of his gun. Spider-Man swore and webbed Baldilocks quickly, throwing off his aim at the other Bad Guy. Spider-Man yanked the gun away from the criminal and threw it across the alley, away from the scene before throwing the guy on the ground and flipping around to see if Face Tattoo got shot. Peter rushed over to the man when he saw that he was on the ground, clutching his shoulder. 

"Shit," Peter whispered to himself. He inspected the wound and sighed thankfully when he sees it only grazed Face Tattoo's arm just a bit, not enough for an ambulance to be called even. 

"What's the money so important for anyways, man? You could've died!" Spider-Man sighs. Doing this job really made him question humanity sometimes. "He's trying to pay me, Spidey-babe." A voice calls from the roof where Spider-Man had originally dropped down from. Peter's head snapped up to see a figure in a red suit that looked suspiciously like his own, but instead of having blue details, they were black and he had a belt with pouches around his hips.

"And you are?" Peter questions.

The mysterious figure jumped down from the roof, grunting as his ankle twisted and his knee hit the ground.

"Geez superhero landings suck ass. Who decided that we should do those?" The masked man hisses in pain. Peter moves to help him up, but the man holds his hand up to stop him saying, "Give it a sec, baby boy, I'm pretty sure my ankle is broken."

"Then you definitely need help getting up, dude." Peter answers, confused. But the man shakes his head and then stands up with no trouble, ankle unharmed. "Doesn't look broken to me," Peter quips. "So why's this guy owe you money?"

The masked man looks over at Baldilocks and back to Face Tattoo, shakes his head, and moves to go cut Baldilocks out of the webbing he was trapped in. Spider-Man makes a noise as if to warn him not to do that, but by the time he was close enough to even consider stopping the masked man, Baldilocks was already cut free and was being held by the throat against the wall of the alley.

"Hey, let him go!" Spider-Man warns and takes another step closer.

The man chuckles and says, "Just a second, Spider-babe. Got some business to take care of." With that said, he pulls Baldilocks away from the wall and then slams him back against it, causing the man to grunt in pain. Peter could see Baldilocks holding back the tears in his eyes, trying to keep himself from crying at the feeling of not only being thrown back against the brick wall, but the large mans hand around his throat. Spider-Man had no clue on what to do in this situation, so he just stood there and listened to the man talk slowly and deeply to Baldilocks.

"Thought I told you to give the man his money, Richard? Did I not make myself clear enough when I slammed you head against that wall? You gonna make me do it again?" The man in the mask all but growls. Baldilocks (Richard?) whimpers and shakes his head, begging the man not to hurt him again. Peter moves forward to help him, but the masked man continues speaking slowly to Baldilocks (Richard?), making Peter stop and listen to what he had to say.

"So if I let you go, you're going to give Rudy his money, aren't you? So he can pay for his daughter cancer treatment?" The man jerks the man by his throat again. "Because if you don't, I'll be after you for different reasons. Wouldn't want me searching for you when I think a little girl died because of you, would you?"

Richard sniffs and shakes his head because who would want this deranged psycho after them?

The masked man drops him and he falls to his knees, trying to catch his breath after having his throat being squeezed so tightly.

"What is going on?" Peter asked, exhausted and very confused.

The man sniffs before kicking Richard in the side, "Money, Richy, now." Richard gasps in pain, but nods and reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a wad of cash. He shakily hands the money to the masked guy, who takes it and flips through it.

"This better be all of it, Rich, my boy, or we are going to have even more problems, got that?" And Richard nods, whimpering that he was holding all of what he owed to Rudy, even a bit extra.

"Are you going to tell me what is going on? And who you are?" Peter questions again. Because he's pretty sure what is happening right now was pretty illegal, but he wasn't exactly sure what he could do about it now that Richard had been let go and the masked man's attention was now on Rudy, who was now sitting against the alley wall, holding his shoulder still and watching all of this unfold.

The man tosses the wad of cash over to Rudy, who just lets it fall in his lap. Peter watches as the man tears up and begins to thank the masked man, who shrugs it off and turns to Spider-Man.

"Ya see, Spidey-babe, that sack of shit over there owed sweet Rudy a shit ton of money because he lost a bet. Rudy was going to use the cash on his six year old daughter, who is very sick and needs some special treatment and he couldn't afford it without the big bucks. So, he calls me when Richy here refuses to give it up. I make some threats, beat up a few assholes, and make sure Rudy gets his cash. For his daughter, mostly, because I usually wouldn't give a shit if some random asshole doesn't get his money for whatever reason. Now, since it's for a sweet little girl that needs this treatment to survive, I gotta get the money." The masked man explains. "Oh, and I'm your friendly neighborhood Deadpool. Nice meeting you. I'm a huge fan of what you do."

With that, Deadpool salutes and jumps up to the fire escape and begins the climb up to the roof. Spider-Man follows after him, having more questions, and clearly done with the men in the alley.

"So, what? You scare people for money?" Peter questions when he makes it up the roof before Deadpool, who was still climbing the fire escape.

"What in the ass? How'd you get up before I did? Oh! Right. He is a spider-babe. Hot." Deadpool says. "Ewe, no I don't wanna fuck an actual spider. Spider-babe though? Fuck yeah."

Peter blushes, clears his throat and waves at the man, letting him know he was right there still.

"No I don't just scare people for money, Spidey. I can scare, beat 'em up, maim, kill, or whatever is really required for the job." Deadpool finally answers him, making Peter wish he hadn't asked the question.

"You're a mercenary then?" Spider-Man questions.

"Only the best there is, baby boy." Deadpool finally makes it to the roof. He takes a seat on the edge of the building and pulls a Ziploc bag filled with Cheerios out of one of his many pouches. Before eating any for himself, he holds the bag out for Peter, "Want some?"

Peter scoffs and shakes his head.

He looks over the edge of the building to see if the men were still there and they weren't so he sighed and decided to go on with his evening. "Ya leaving Spidey?" Deadpool questions.

Spider-Man nods, "Got people to save and all that. Try to keep from murdering too many people for money please."

And with that, he threw himself off the building and shot a web, flying through the air until he was far away from whatever that was the he just experienced and close to his home, where he can stop in some alley and ditch the Spider-Man outfit.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deadpool convinces Spider-Man to let him come patrol with him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [White]  
> italicized is Yellow  
> None of this makes sense so i'll probs stick to writing from peter's perspective and stuff.

_Do you think Spidey-babe will let us touch his ass next time we see him?_

[No.]

_But it's so nice to look at! It must be nice to touch._

"Who says I'm going to see him again?" Deadpool asks Yellow, one of the two voices in his head. "I told him I kill people for a living. Don't really think he appreciates that."

(Exactly why we'll see him again, dumb nuts.)

Wade huffed and pushed away the sounds of The Boxes talking to each other. One of the downsides to being insane is never getting any piece and quiet, even in his own head. If he was lucky, he could drown out the chatter by distracting himself with something else, like a fun job or the Golden Girls. Though, Yellow is a bit of a chatter box (pun intended) and would interrupt when Wade was trying to have a good time. It really was inconsiderate when all Wade ever did was mind his business. Okay, he didn't because he's nosy as shit, but he really tried to. Sometimes. 

He made his way from the rooftop that Spidey had just left to Sister Margret's, a scummy bar that only the lowest of the low visited. It was a shit hole, really, but the people there were kinda like family to Wade. Especially Weasel, who Wade considered his best friend. Hell, only friend if he was honest. 

[Weasel hates you.] White supplies. 

"Weasel loves me, but okay." Wade snaps back, catching a few looks from the couple of people that are still out on the street after midnight. The suit Wade was wearing didn't help with the looks but he looked sexy as fuck in it and it made his ass look fantastic. 

_Ooh, Spidey-babe wears a tight suit too. Makes his ass look waaaayyy better than yours._

"Very true," Wade agrees. 

Walking into Sister Margaret's was like walking straight into a prison. But not a good prison. Like a prison where the guards are all dead and the prisoners are just doing whatever the fuck they want. There were men scattered around that smelled like they haven't showered in years, women who could kill you by just looking at you, and the occasional argument going on. No one had a comforting face in this place, but for some reason Wade loved it all the same. Even if most of the people in the bar are betting on the others dying in the dead pool. 

"Wade," Weasel called from his place behind the bar. "How'd the job go? That guy get his money?"

Wade saunters up and slouches onto a bar stool, propping his elbows against up and placing is chin into his palms. 

"I met the sweetest piece of ass today, Weaz." 

"Bea Arthur?" Weasel questions as he grabs a glass for Wade to fill up with the cheapest beer he had on tap. He claims that there's no reason to give 'em the expensive shit because he can't even get drunk. Wade hated him. 

" _God_ , I fuckin' wish. Rest in piece Bea." Wade kisses his fingers through his mask and raises his hand high, towards the heavens, because he knows that's where Bea Arthur is now. 

Weasel rolls his eyes, "Who then?" 

Wade sighs and pulls his mask off of his face. He watches as Weasel makes a face in disgust, like he always does when he's without his mask. He really is the worst friend. 

"Spider-Man. He was stopping a fight between my hit and Rudy. He's so beautiful I almost gave him my entire bag of Cheerios." 

"I would say that Rudy is more of an average looking dude. I'm not really into face tats, personally. And his beard needs a trim." Weasel jokes, watching as Wade chugs his entire glass of beer. 

"Eh, if Rudy wasn't married and didn't have a sick kid, I'd hit that." Wade claims. The lady sitting on the bar stool beside him turned and looked at the two in disgust only to have the middle finger flipped at her by Wade. She rolled her eyes and moved from the stool, finding a new place to sit in the room. Wade takes a peek over his shoulder and sees that she moved to sit at a table with a few of the sex workers that come in every night to sell ass. Kudos to them. 

Weasel fills his glass back up, "You fight 'im?"

Wade shakes his head and throws back his second glass, causing Weasel to scowl at him and take the glass. He didn't refill it, only put it with the rest of the dirty glasses behind the counter. Wade pouts and reaches over the counter to grab one of the shot glass that Weasel had made that he was going to take out to the table of women in the corner. Before his friend could grab it back, Wade took it in, leaving a dissatisfied look on the man with the glasses face. Just because he couldn't get drunk because of his stupid healing factor, didn't mean that he couldn't enjoy a good drink. It only makes it better when it pisses off Weasel. Wade slams the shot glass onto the bar and slides it back to the man waiting patiently to get it back and put it with the rest of his dirty glasses. Weasel really needs to find someone to work behind the bar with him. Wade voices this thought to his friend. 

"Hired a new guy this afternoon," Weasel tells him. "That taxi driver friend of yours, Dopinder? Has he told you he wants to be a contract killer? He's like the size of a toothpick, with the personality of a puppy that somehow got turned into a baby." 

Wade cheers, "Look at my sweet brown angel fly!" 

"Seriously, he asked for a job this afternoon to kill someone. Told him that all of you guys had to go through a training program before your first jobs." Weasel shakes his head. "I can't let that puppy-man-baby into the streets with the intent to kill someone."

"Good luck with that," Wade knocks on the bar. "I'm out." 

He turns to leave, making sure to grab is mask, but stops and turns back to Weasel.

"Give a blowjob to Buck over there, will ya?" He asks.

"I fuckin' hate you." Weasel says, but does as asked anyways. As Wade exits the building, he hears Buck's grunt and then a bar stool being thrown at someone. Wade chuckles and strolls easily all the way to his apartment. 

 

~~~

Deadpool wasn't working a job that afternoon when he came into contact with Spider-Man, but actually sitting on the top of a building chowing down on a corn dog that he got from some street vendor a few blocks over. He was swing his legs over the edge, watching as the school across the street let out and children came pouring out to meet their parents or begin their short trips home on foot. Wade couldn't even remember going to school when he was younger so he tries to imagine what it would be like if he were a child again and attending an elementary school. 

_All the kids would bully you because your face fuckin' sucks, man._

[True. You would probably have gotten kicked out because you scared your classmates too much.]

"I haven't always looked like this, you dumb fucks. I use to look like Ryan Reynolds, so suck a cock."

_Now you look like Ryan Reynolds got turned inside out and shit on._ Yellow supplies. Wade snorts. 

"Very true," He answers. "Do you think I could be one of the Make A Wish kids and get to meet him?"

"Meet who?" Came a familiar voice from behind Wade. Deadpool pulls his mask down quickly before turning to see Spider-Man dropping from a web down to his feet in the middle of the roof. Wade squeals as the sight of him and tosses the rest of his corn dog over the side of the building. They could hear the faint sound of someone below getting hit by the flying food, which makes Deadpool laugh wildly. He can see Spidey's confusion through his mask and body language. His arms were crossed over his chest and his head was tilted to the side, eyeing Wade as he continued to laugh. 

"Who do you want to meet?" Spidey questioned again when Deadpool calmed down, wiping tears from his eyes, though he had his mask on. It was a weird thing to watch happen. 

"Ryan Reynolds, baby boy. My doppelganger." Deadpool shrugs. "Well, he was my doppelganger, anyways." 

Spidey still seems a bot confused, so Wade pushes on, "He's a handsome actor. Got a bangin' wife. Anywho... What brings you to this rooftop on this fine afternoon?"

"I try to come see the kids every couple of weeks or so, they seem to enjoy it." Spider-Man answers honestly. Deadpool watches as the man glances around him to see if the children where till filing out. They were. Spider-Man salutes to Wade before running and jumping off of the building. Wade's heart catches in his throat at the thought of his favorite vigilante falling off of the tall building. He rushes to the edge and watches as Spidey swings around on a web, earning cheers from the small children on the ground. Wade smiles slightly as he watches Spidey lower himself down to the ground and get swarmed by the rugrats running around him. A few get hugs from him, a lot get high-fives, and one or two get a pat on the head. It was interesting to watch someone so strong be soft with all of the small people running around.

_*Swoons* I love him._

[How do you swoon? You're just a figment of Wade's imagination.]

_Exactly. I can do whatever I want up here._

[And how do you love him? We've only met him twice.]

_Good enough for me T-B-H._

"Look at him! He's giving that little girl a piggy back ride!" Wade coos. "You think he will give me a ride?"

_Wink, wink._

[You are both so immature.] White basically sighs.

Wade chooses to ignore the box and focus on Spidey, who was now saying goodbye to the schoolchildren. He stepped back from the edge and waited until Spidey made his way back to the rooftop with him. It took a few moments because the kids were really sad to say goodbye to Spider-Man, but Wade heard the vigilante say that he'll be back soon to see them, and until then, make sure they do their homework and listen to their teachers. Wade scoffed. He never listened to his teachers and he's doing great.

[You look like an avocado and you murder people for money.] 

"Very valid, also not important to the plot right now, White. This author lady is trying to figure out how to make this story move along." Wade huffs.  

The next thing he knows, Spider-Man flings himself back up on the room, startling Deadpool slightly. 

"Wanna get some food?" Wade asks the web-slinger. He was starving because he didn't get to finish his gross street corn dog. Plus, Wade was always hungry. A fast metabolism does that to a person. 

_Can you classify yourself as a person though?_ Yellow wonders.  _You can't die, and really that's what makes a person._

[Or someone that has reason, morality, and consciousness or self-consciousness...]

"You got that from Google, you filthy plagiarizer!" Wade accuses the voice in his head. "You think I haven't looked up what a person was before?"

Spider-Man shifts, "Uh... are you talking to me?"

"What?" Deadpool looks to him again. "Oh, no baby boy. Talking to The Boxes. Don't worry about it. How 'bout some food?"

"Well, I'm actually going to patrol, but thanks anyways..." He trails off and starts to slowly back away from Deadpool. The merc perks up at the idea of patrolling. He doesn't do it too often because it doesn't make any money, but he's wondering if Spider-babe will let him join him. He voices his wonder to the arachnid. Ha! Suck it losers that call spiders bugs. Yeah, talking to you Thanos. 

_Ooh, drag him._

Spidey hesitates, "Well, I don't know. You did just tell me that you kill people for money and I have a rule that no one should die when I'm out. Also, just because you're wearing a mask doesn't mean you know how to fight off bad guys. You could just be really into kinky shit."

Deadpool snorts, "Of course I'm into kinky shit, snookums. But along with that, I'm like the karate kid. I can kick ass and be super cute while doing it, all without breaking a sweat. Plus, it helps that if I lose a limb, it'll just grow back."

"Like a starfish?"

"Fuck, you're a nerd. I love you anyways. Yes like a starfish." Deadpool places his hands on his hips. Spider-Man eyes him suspiciously, like he was waiting for an extra limb to grow out of his shoulder or something. 

"I don't know," Spidey stalls, still eyeing Wade. 

"It'll be fun, kid, come on." Deadpool basically begs. 

"I'm not a kid," Spider-Man snaps before turning around and preparing to jump off of the building. 

"Right," Deadpool says. "So can I come?"

"Meet me at the building next to that Catholic church that's across from the Taco Bell." He shoots a web. "And don't bring your guns."

He jumps off the building and swings across the city, leaving Wade to stare wistfully at his ass as he swings away.  


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deadpool joins Spider-Man on patrol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of your comment have been really sweet. Thank you for the positive feedback :)  
> Also I'm going to try and post on Tuesday and Thursday until I finish the story because I don't have classes on those days. Hope that's okay :)

Wade was buzzing with excitement as he ran to meet Spidey at the building beside the church. He wasn't joking when he said he was a big fan of Spider-Man. Of all the times that he's been to New York, he's always wanted to meet the spider, but figured it was best to stay out of the arachnids way. 

 _Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can._ Yellow sings happily. 

[Please, you moron, stop singing.]

Wade rolls his eyes at The Boxes, but continues to rush off to the building to meet Spidey. 

_You think he'll let us swing around on his back?_

"That would be fucking  _awesome_!" Wade yells. 

He finally reaches the building Spidey told him to meet at, but there was one problem. The building was fucking huge. It's like Spidey forgot that he's the only one here that can climb walls and fling webs. Wade huffs and begins the long journey up the fire escape. On the way up, Deadpool observes his surroundings. Why would Spidey want to meet here of all places? There bust be something going down at either the Taco Bell or the Catholic church. 

"Maybe it's both," Wade exclaims. "Ooh, I could really kick a pedophiles ass then eat a tasty Gordita Crunch."

_Or kill a pedo._

[Spider-Man said we couldn't kill.]

_Live a little, White, holy fuck._

Wade ignores them and continues pushing himself up the stairs. He was halfway there and his legs were burning. He considered just jumping down and breaking his legs, so he could tell Spidey he couldn't make it. No, he really wanted so see Spidey's ass in action up close. He wouldn't miss out on this opportunity, even if he kind of wanted to kill himself. Nothing is in his life was more important than seeing Spidey's ass all up close while taking down the Catholic church. 

 _Nothing like killing online predators with the love of your life,_ Yellow sighs. 

[No killing.]

When Wade reached the top he was huffing to catch a breath, but was lucky because the first thing he sees is Spider-Man perched on the edge of the building, a taco from Taco Bell in hand and his mask lifted enough for him to eat. 

"You couldn't wait for me?" Wade cries. Spider-Man looks back as if he hadn't heard Wade walk up before relaxing as much as one person could when in the presence of a mercenary. 

The archnid shrugged, "Didn't think you would actually show up, to be honest."

"And miss my first date with Spider-Man? As if, buddy." Deadpool scoffs. "Wouldn't miss that shit if it was the end of the world and Thanos was trying to snap his thick purple dildo fingers again."

The confusion on Spider-Man's face was evident, so Wade just shrugged and plopped down on the ledge next to the web slinger. Deadpool took note of the few people littering the streets, some drug dealers waiting to make some money, a prostitute standing awfully close to the lamp post, and a few people in dress clothes making their way home from what he is assuming is work. Or a big scary mofia meeting. With the crime rates in New York it could very well just be the latter. 

"So, Spidey-kins, what are we doing on this lovely first date of ours anyway? I was thinking some Taco Bell, but you clearly had other plans, but I know this great place that we can get pretty cheap matching tattoos. I'm not sure if a tattoo will stay on me though, but I'm willing to try if you're down." Deadpool leans back on his hands, taking in Spider-Man's profile. His lips looked really soft, like he does a scrub on them all the time, and a faded stubble that crosses his jaw would most definitely be the sexiest thing when gliding across Wade's sensitive skin tissue. 

"This isn't a date, Pool." Spider-Man snaps. "We're going to stop a few bad guys and call it a night. Did you leave your weapons?" 

"Sure didn't, kid. Might need to take out a really bad guy or something. I try not to use Bea and Arthur unless I run out of guns. It's cleaner that way." The merc responded, earning and aggravated huff from the hero. Deadpool could see the frown forming on Spidey's face, so he raised his hands in surrender and began removing the guns he had strapped to his body. First front he holsters on his hips, then down his legs and by his ankles, then reaching into a few of his pouches and grabbing the tiny handguns he fit in them. Then there was the gun he took from Blind Al that one time that he stuffed in his pants. That one he had to unzip a small amount of his suit to reach. Finally, when he no longer had and guns on his person, he caught Spider-Man's gaze on the knives he had strapped to his thighs and calves. Deadpool huffed and took those off as well. 

"There, weapon free, Webs." Deadpool says and pats down the rest of his body. 

"Your katanas?"

"Oh for fucks sake, man. Can't I at least keep those? It really throws off the whole vibe of the suit when they aren't there." The merc explained with a pout. 

_Ugh, even though he's trying to change us, I still love him._

[Pussy.]

"Whoa there, let's calm down with the derogatory use of that word? Have you ever seen a woman give birth? Holy shit." Wade comments to White. Spider-Man shakes his head but tells Deadpool that he could keep the swords as long as he agreed to not use them on anyone. Deadpool could agree to that. 

"Who are we going after tonight, Webs?" 

The hero shrugged, "Whoever is committing a crime."

And from that, the duo set off on their first patrol together. 

The first criminal that they caught was the drug dealer that Wade had spotted from the top of the building. They watched him hover around a dumpster for a while until a buyer finally met up with him, which was when Spidey decided he would cut in and stop the drug deal from happening. Wade stood to the side, not really bothered by the small act of drug dealing and not seeing an opportunity to step in, seeing as Spidey had the guy webbed down in a split second with the drugs webbed next to him. Wade didn't really start paying attention until Spidey turned towards him. 

"Do you have a pen and paper in one of those pouches of yours?" The hero asked. 

Wade begins digging through his pouches, "If I do then that's just lazy writing. Who do these authors think I am? A wizard?" 

Wade did have a piece of paper, a crumbled receipt that was at the bottom of the pouch sitting on his hip, but he didn't have a pen. Spider-Man asked the drug dealer if he had a pen, which obviously he did because lazy writing. 

Deadpool watched as Spider-Man wrote a note saying, 'Found these bad guys selling drugs. -Spider-Man.' Which made Wade chuckle in amusement. 

Next, they walked with a prostitute until she got to the bus stop she was headed towards. Wade kicked the shit out of the man following her. Spider-Man scolded him but Deadpool could tell he was happy the dude got the shit beat out of him. 

Around one in the morning, after a pretty tough brawl with some armed robbers, Spider-Man and Deadpool found a roof top to rest on.

"Not unaliving people really makes this job a nightmare. You know how easy it would've been to just shoot those guys?" Deadpool sighs. 

"But then how would they better themselves? Killing them doesn't give the bad guys a chance to become good guys, ya know." Spider-Man explains. "Why are you in the merc business anyways? With the way you fought those armed robbers earlier, I'm sure there are better jobs for you to have."

_Because we're a fuck up, yeah._

_"_ That's a tragic backstory for another time, baby boy. What about you though? What made you decide on red and blue of all colors?" Deadpool questions. The question earns a shocked laugh out of Spider-Man and it's the first genuine laugh Wade has heard from the hero all night. All of the other ones were just snarky, making fun of the bad guy or something. This one Wade could record and listen to it on repeat every single day. 

"It's very patriotic," Spider-Man shrugs. "Plus I've always had kind of a crush on Captain America, honestly."

"God, that's so gay, Spidey! I love it!"

Spider-Man chuckles, "Well, I am bi, so I guess." 

"Fuck," Wade breathes. "I love you. Please have my child. We're naming them Cher."

"Dude, gross." Spidey whines. "Stop hitting on me."

Deadpool raises his hands in defeat, apologizing, "Sorry, baby boy. You're literally perfect. Nice booty, queer, and strong as fuck. Perfect. If you ever change your mind I will always be here waiting for you."

 "Do you ever listen to yourself talk? Because most of the things that come out of your mouth are weird as hell." Spider-Man noted. Deadpool shrugged and laid back on the roof, watching the sky. There were no stars out because they lived in a garbage city with garbage light pollution that kept everyone from seeing the beautiful sky. Wade still felt at peace looking out into the void of darkness with the heat of Spider-Man right next to him. The Boxes were quiet for the time being as well. He almost fell asleep until he heard a god awful ringtone coming from the masked hero next to him.

"What the fuck?" Wade grunted. "I thought you millennial types kept your phones on silent. And what the fuck kind or ringtone is that?"

Spider-Man all but rolled his eyes at the merc and held his finger up, telling Wade to hold on just a second while he picks up the phone. 

"Hello?" He answers. "Ned? What? Shit, really? Okay, I'll be home in just a little while."

There was a pause as Spider-Man listened to Ned (??) on the other side of the phone call. Deadpool watches as Spider-Man tensed up a bit before relaxing and turning to look at him. The dude on the phone was definitely talking about him. Wade could just feel it in his bones.

It was confirmed when Spidey said, "No, Ned, I'm with him right now. It's fine. Weird but fine, I guess. Really likes my ass. Okay, see ya when I get home. Bye."

"Bye Ned!" Wade yells, making sure the dude on the other end of the call could hear him. If they were gonna talk about him, he at least gets to say goodbye. It's only fair. 

"Sorry," Spidey breathes and if Wade could see his face he knows he'd be flushed. "My roommate loves you for some reason. He kinda freaked when I told him I met you." 

"Aw, I have a fan!" Deadpool fangirls, waving his hands around and squealing. "Should I sign something for him? I'll sign it as Ryan Reynolds so he can be confused." 

Spider-Man scoffs and stands, readying to take a leap, "That's okay, man. See you in two days at the same building?"

Deadpool nods and watches in wonder as Spidey flings himself off of the building. 

"Holy shit, I'm going on a second date with Spider-babe!"

[Not a date. He's just trying to keep you from murderig people.]

_Eee! A date! You better wear that sexy dress then._

"See, Yellow gets it." 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter hangs with Ned and Michelle, Spider-Man stops Deadpool and meets Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Yukio. 
> 
> -mentions of a rapist and child molester, not graphic, just a bad guy that is brought up, but proceed with caution if necessary-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after this chapter I will go back and begin the process of editing the first couple. I really need it be doing my readings for class but I'd rather be writing this lol. Thanks for the positive feedback!

When Peter arrived to his shared apartment he was exhausted and still had to finish his paper for school. Of course he had to see his roommate Ned first. He had called while Peter was finishing up his patrol telling him that their friend Michelle was on her way over because she had a fight with her own roommate. Michelle didn't know that Peter was Spider-Man, so Ned and Peter made it their mission to keep it from her. Hell, Ned wasn't even supposed to know, but when Peter was younger he was the worst at keeping it a secret. He was all over the place and very bad at lying, especially to Ned and his Aunt May. Thankfully though, the two of them knew now so he didn't have to worry about lying to them anymore. Now the only other important person in his life that didn't know was Michelle, which made Peter feel better because the less people that knew about his secret the safer they were. 

Peter made sure to find an alleyway a few blocks away from his apartment so he could slip out of his suit without drawing attention to himself. Usually, when it was only Ned at home, he would just crawl into his window and change when he got home, but Michelle was notorious for just making herself comfortable in their apartment so he couldn't risk changing in his room when he got home. 

Before walking into his apartment, he could hear Ned and Michelle chatting about Star Wars, a movie that Michelle really didn't like, but endured anyways because her best friends loved it. Peter can happily admit that he was a huge nerd with no self control and would binge watch all of the Star Wars movies with Ned at least once a month. Besides school and being Spider-Man, Peter really and nothing to do and that left him a lot of free time on his hands. 

When he opened the door he was greeted with Ned's excited questions about the movie franchise. 

"Isn't it the best franchise in history Peter? I mean, the original trilogy really set a standard for all other space movies that followed." Ned directs at Peter. Peter drops his bag by the door before taking his seat next to Ned on the couch while Michelle took the chair Peter normally found himself perched in when he got home. 

"It's just a stupid movie made for kids, Ned. It's not that great. Plus, we weren't even alive when the movies were first released." Michelle argued. 

Peter laughs, "All the more reason that they're great, MJ! If those movies can still be enjoyed by our generation and generations that follow all these years later, wouldn't you say they are good movies? Iconic even." 

Michelle scoffed but left the argument alone, knowing Peter and Ned had a point. Peter smirks and high fives Ned, happy to beat their friend in an argument for once. 

"So, whatcha doing here at two in the morning MJ?" Peter questions, glancing at the clock on the wall. It was Spider-Man themed, which was Ned's idea because he though it was funny, and it had cartoon pictures of Spider-Man flinging webs on it. It was the worst ting Peter has ever seen. 

The girl shrugs and begins playing with the curl that had begun to fall out of the ponytail that she had half-assed. Michelle was a beautiful girl with her darker complexion and thick curly hair, and if Peter were honest, he use to have a minor crush on her. That was before they got close though and at some point Peter realized that it wasn't so much a crush, but just caring for MJ because she was his friend. 

"Her roommate, Gwen, brought that photographer guy over again and now he won't leave. She said the two are disgusting." Ned answered for her. Michelle huffs and drops the strand of hair she was fiddling with. 

"They keep almost fucking on the couch, man. That's my couch! I bought that shit with my hard earned money and I don't appreciate them fucking on it." She exclaims. 

" _Almost_ ," Peter says slyly, earning a glare from his friend. Peter raises his hands in surrender. "Sorry. But you can stay here for the night. Take my bed, it's fine."

Michelle smiles in thanks before standing up and ruffling peters hair and making her way to the bathroom. When she left the room and closed the door, Ned bombarded Peter with questions. 

"Is he as crazy as people say? Did you see any of his scars? I heard they were crazy bad. How good is he at using weapons? He must be super badass." Ned wonders. 

Peter rolls his eyes but begins the answer his friends questions anyways. 

"I think he has voices in his head that he talks to sometimes because he'll make comments and have a conversation that we weren't even having, but he's not like psychotic or anything. He insisted that he kept his katanas when I made him get rid of all of his weapons though. And he makes too many comments about my ass. I haven't seen his face, so I don't know about the scars. And like I said, I didn't allow him to use weapons. He did kick the shit out of this one guy that was stalking a prostitute that I walked to the bus stop though." Peter shrugs. "I don't know about him though. I don't think he actually cares about what happens to other people, which bothers me because that's all I do. Caring about people is basically my job description."

"Maybe that's why he wants to hang around you then. He might want to better himself or something." Ned suggests. 

"I don't know who you're talking about but I think he just wants in your pants." Michelle adds as she walks back into the room, a pair of Peter's sweatpants on her legs and the hoodie she was already wearing. Peter raised and eyebrow at his friend, who seemed to have went into Peter's room and found those pants. 

MJ shrugged, "Can't sleep in jeans, bud."

"Maybe you're the one that wants in Peter's pants," Ned laughed. Peter flushed, never really enjoying jokes like that too much because he was never one to enjoy being sexualized. MJ just rolls her eyes and punched Ned in the arm. 

"Well this was fun," MJ says. "I'm going to bed."

"Then we'll stay up and watch Vine compilations without you!" Ned retorts as if that was cool and would convince her to stay up with them for longer. It didn't. She just turned around and as she walked back towards Peter's room, stuck up her middle finger over her shoulder.

"Make sure to watch 'vines that cured my depression' at least, you nerds." MJ says before shutting the door behind her and disappearing into Peter's room. 

"As if we haven't already watched that one! We're nerds but not monsters, Michelle!" Peter yells after her. 

And that's how Peter and Ned stay up until three in the morning watching Vine compilations, laughing their asses off and quoting Vines that make them laugh more. At one point MJ even yells at them to 'shut the fuck up!' After that Peter decided to call it a night because his body ached and he was exhausted, which Ned understood so he went to his room and grabbed Peter a blanket and pillow so he could get comfortable on the couch. Once settled down, Peter fell asleep pretty quickly, dreaming about flying through the air on his webs, wind blowing through his hair and a feeling of freedom he can't remember ever feeling before. 

~~~

"Peter, wake up man!" Ned shakes Peter by the shoulders, startling Peter enough and have him fling himself off the couch and ready his we shooters on his wrist, ready for whatever was attacking him. 

"Sorry sorry sorry!" Ned cried with his hands up in defense. Peter looked around, seeing that it was just Ned and no threat around him. "I'm sorry!"

Peter dropped his defensive stance and sat back down on the couch, adjusting his web shooters uncomfortably. "What is it Ned? Is there something wrong?"

"Deadpool is on the news," Ned informs him and points to the TV across from them. Peter hadn't even noticed that is was on in all of the chaos of being woken up the way he was. He watched as the news reporter announced a new alert. 

" _Deadpool, a man who has been identified by several eye witnesses, has been spotted going after Max Jefferson, a felon who recently got released from prison. The police report that Deadpool is notorious for going after criminals, especially sex offenders and child predators. It can only be assumed that this masked villain is after Jefferson because of his past and his label as a sex offender. If anyone comes across this man, please be warned to stay away. He is believed to be heavily armed and incredibly dangerous._ " The news lady reports. 

Peter sighs, "Shit. This isn't good. I have to go stop him from doing something stupid."

Ned nods in agreement and reaches down to grab Peter's bag that holds his Spider-Man suit. 

"MJ is still asleep, so if you leave now you'll be fine. I'll tell her that you went to the library to finish that report you were working on." Ned tells him. Peter nods and slings the bag over his shoulder and slides his shoes on quickly. He makes his way to the door and rushes out, not really having time to hesitate, needing to stop Deadpool from doing something that could get him into trouble. 

As soon as he finds a spot where there are no people, Peter changes into his suit, webbing his bag high up on the wall out of reach for anyone that could try to steal it. He rushes off, swinging between buildings and keeping an eye out for the mercenary. He really hoped he could convince Deadpool to stop whatever it was that he was trying to accomplish. 

It didn't take too long for Peter to find the merc, seeing as he was learking in an alleyway with a giant pair of red binoculars held to his eyes. Peter dropped down carefully without making any noise and slowly walked towards Deadpool. 

"Hey, man." Peter greats. Deadpool dropped the binoculars and whipped out a gun at the drop of a hat causing Peter to shoot a web and snatch the gun away from him. Deadpool finally registers who it was that interrupted his steak out and relaxes, apologizing profusely for almost shooting the hero. 

"You can't sneak up on a lady like that, Webs. Especially when the lady always has a weapon on them and are highly trained. I coulda killed ya." Deadpool sighs and leans down to grab his binoculars. 

"Doubt it," Spider-Man claims. "So, whatcha doing with those?"

Deadpool waves the binoculars around as he talks, "Hunting a very bad man, Spidey. He's one of the worst."

"Yeah, well the police seem to think you're one of the worst. He's done his time hasn't he?" Spider-Man asks gently.

"Yeah, if a year is enough time for a man that's rapes and molests children, then sure, Webs." Deadpool scoffs. "Have I mentioned that he _rapes and molests children_?" 

Spider-Man lets out a sigh because _holy shit that's terrible._ He couldn't just let a guy like that run the streets. 

"You can't kill him, Pool. That's not your job." Spidey says.

"Kinda is, baby boy. I'm literally getting paid to do this. By his ex wife. It's important." Deadpool explains. He pauses like he's listening to something before saying, "Yeah I'd do it even if I weren't getting paid! This dude is the scum of the earth. Hell, he's worse than that even!"

"Yo, Webhead," a voice from above them called. Peter looks up and sees a girl with short hair and black lipstick sitting on the fire escape, swinging her legs, and a girl with pink hair and happy eyes watching them. "I would just let him do it if I were you. He's not going to give up on this. We've already tried."

"And you are?" Spider-Man questions. 

"Ooh, my two worlds collide!" Deadpool cheers. "That's NTW, or Negasonic Teenage Longest Name Ever, and Yukio, her adorable girlfriend. They're super badass and I wouldn't fuck with them."

"Right," Spider-Man hums. "So you're saying that I should just let him proceed to kill this guy?"

NTW shrugs. 

"Not gonna happen." He decided. Peter turns to Deadpool. "You're not killing that dude. We will take care of him a better way. Make sure he goes to prison for life."

"Yeah, how ya planning on doing that, baby boy? He's got an excellent lawyer at hand." Deadpool informs him. 

Spider-Man coughs, "I'm not sure yet, but we'll figure something out. We won't let this guy get away again. I promise."

Deadpool squeaks and turns to face NTW and Yukio, "Did you hear that? Spidey made a promise to me! I'm telling you, we're going to get married one day."

Peter rolls his eyes under his mask. This guy really won't give up, Peter thinks. 

"You're adorable Wade." Yukio says happily. "Can I be your maid of honor?"

"Don't encourage him, babe." NTW sighs, which results in an elbow to the ribs from her girlfriend and Deadpool (Wade? Peter wasn't sure) ranting about the wedding he expects to have with Spider-Man. Peter felt uncomfortable so he started backing out of the alley. 

"Right, I'm out of here. See you tonight Deadpool. The top of the building by Taco Bell, remember. We'll talk about dealing with that bad guy, okay?" Spider-Man says with a wave before shooting off a web and pulling himself away from the group of weirdos in the alley. The last thing he hears from Deadpool before swinging out of earshot was, "God, I hate for him to leave, but I love to watch him go."

The comment made Peter laugh unexpectedly because it really was just ridiculous. A terrible pick up line of all things to make him laugh. He really needed to spend more time going out instead of watching dumb Vines with Ned. His sense of humor was all out of whack. First things first though, he needs to finish his paper before his class the next day. He really couldn't afford to make a bad grade on it. So off to the library he went, only after finding his bag and changing into his regular clothes of course.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deadpool and Spider-Man make a plan to catch the Bad Guy and maybe become friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just love writing this, and I know I should be doing my school work, but this is more fun.  
> I hope you all are enjoying reading it as much as I am writing it.

"I swear to God, Yellow if you don't stop singing the Barbie Girl song I'm going to shoot myself in the head to make you stop." Wade groaned as he laid back on the top of the rooftop he was supposed to meet Spidey on. The Boxes had been going nonstop since Spider-Man disappeared earlier in the day and NTW and Yukio decided to go back to their apartment. That left Wade alone with The Boxes, a thing that he rarely enjoyed because they suck. 

_Come on Barbie let’s go party ah ah oh yeah!_

[I agree. Please shut the fuck up.]

”Thank you, White.” Wade sighed. He wished Spider-Man would show up already so something could distract him from the voices in his head. 

_Spidey-babe isn’t coming. He doesn’t wanna hang out with you and take down bad guys together. You suck._

“Honestly, Yellow, I don’t gave time for your negativity. I’m trying to think of ways to get Spidey to be my friend.” Wade says with a sigh. Actually, he was thinking about ways he could kill that bad guy without Spider-Man knowing. So far he had nothing because Spider-Man was way too smart and would connect the pieces to Deadpool if that guy ended up dead.  

_You should just do it. Make your dreams come true._

”If you quote one more outdated meme at me I will blow my brains out. No hesitation.” Wade warns. “This isn’t 2015 and I haven’t been on Facebook in years. You’re like the great aunt that everyone has that never caught up with what the internet was doing so she always joins in after everyone has already jumped off the trend. No one likes you, Aunt Tilda. Just delete your account and tend to your fifty-seven cats.”

[You adore Aunt Tilda and her cats. And fifty-seven is an exaggeration. You know there’s only eleven.]

”Doesn’t mean I enjoy her old ass Facebook memes!” Wade groans. “And of course I’m exaggerating, White. I’m basically a fictional character being written by an 18 year old girl. What do you want from me?” 

[A little consistency would be nice.]

”Tell me about it buddy.” 

There was a pause. 

“I wish I had a camera that followed me around like in The Office. I would so stare into the camera for everything.” Wade declared. They should’ve cast him to play Jim. He knows he’s the definition of fugly and realistically Pam would’ve never fallen for him, but it still would’ve been quality entertainment. He knows a few fanboys that would have loved to watch that show. Hell, if he begged he's sure Weasel would watch it too. Not Negasonic though. She would probably call the studio in protest. 

_Yukio would watch it happily. Maybe Spidey too!_

_"_ You think?"

[No.]

Wade sighs and uncovers his watch. It was a small Spider-Man watch that he found in a Dollar Store since he gave his Adventure Time watch to Domino that one time. Or did he? Cable did go back in time and save him. It got confusing and Wade isn't sure what the actual time line is. Anyways, the time was 9:30 and Wade was getting bored just hanging out waiting for Spidey. He did say the building by the Taco Bell right? Wade is pretty sure he did. 

So, if this is the right building, "Where is that Spidey son of a bitch?"

"Wouldn't say I'm the son of a bitch, but then again my mom is dead so who knows?"

Deadpool sat up quickly, whipping around and spotting the arachnid.

"Good timing, writer lady. Give the readers what they want." Deadpool shrugs. "Good to see ya baby boy! I was gettin' worried that I was at the wrong Taco Bell."

The hero saunters over to Wade and takes a seat next to him. Deadpool scooches over a tad to give him the personal space he deserves. He wouldn't want a Caucasian raisin sprawled out all over him. 

"So what are we gonna do about that guy from earlier?" Spidey questions. 

"Kill him," Deadpool immediately answers. "It's really the only option."

Spidey sighs, "We can't kill him Pool. It doesn't make us any better than he is if we do."

"Better than a child molester though. Nothing's worse than a guy that's into kids."

"Deadpool," Spidey sigh. Wade holds up his hand to get him to stop. Spider-Man shuts his mouth. 

"Listen, Webs, it's my job to take care of people like him. I know it's against your moral code or whatever the fuck it is, but guys like him don't deserve to live. Especially guys that have done what he's done multiple times. It's fucked up." Deadpool explains. 

They sit in silence for a while, thinking about what Deadpool said and just taking in each other's company. Wade wonders if Spidey had any other super friends outside of him. 

[You aren't friends.]

_Yeah, I'd go as far and call you frenemies._

"Better than nothing."

"What?" Spidey questions. 

"The Boxes are saying we aren't friends. Yellow says we are frenemies. Which is probably an overstatement. I'd say we're business partners, wouldn't you? At least for now. One day we'll get married and have cute super babies." Deadpool rattles off. 

[Maybe don't day stuff like that and you'll actually be friends one day.]

"Right..." Spidey says slowly. "So about this guy. I was thinking we could catch him in the act, ya know?"

"You want to put a child in that kind of situation? C'mon Webs, I thought you were better than that." Deadpool scolds.

[You're one to talk Mr. Merc with a Mouth.]  

"I don't put kids in danger." Deadpool snaps to White. 

Spidey shakes his head quickly, "No not with like an actual child, ya know? I have this friend who's twenty but he looks really young. He's got really good self defense skills. I would never put someone that can't handle this in that type of position, especially a child."

Deadpool thinks about it. If Spidey was telling the truth about this friend, that could always be a possibility. It was a weird plan, but it would work. Wade wonders if this friend of Spidey's would be willing to do such a weird act. Is this friend another super? Ohmygod he's probably Spidey's boyfriend or something. 

"You think he would be willing to do it?" Deadpool asks. "Has he helped you on a mission before?"

"He helps with everything I do, honestly. We even have an agreement that he can take my pictures and sell them to the Bugle. I'm one hundred percent sure he will be willing to help on this mission, dude." Spider-Man says in way that leaves no question about what he was saying. Deadpool eyes the hero cautiously. Spidey holds his head high, letting Wade know that he was really confident that his "friend" would be able to handle the task. Deadpool didn't feel too great about sending an untrained civilian into a mission where there was a chance he could get hurt, but if Spidey was sure that this kid could handle it, Wade decided he could trust that. For now anyways. 

"Okay, so we need to figure out what we're gonna do now that we might have a way to catch him. Are we going to get your guy to seduce him? What's your guys name anyways?" Deadpool questions. 

Spider-Man hesitates for just a moment before pushing out, "Peter. Peter Parker."

"Great..." Deadpool eyes the hero again. "We need to tell him the plan."

"We need to have one first, Pool."

Deadpool rolls his eyes, a movement that he knows the hero can tell he's doing based off the chuckle that Spidey forces out. After that they spend time making a plan. Deadpool sat quietly listening to Spidey talk and formulate a plan that wasn't just breaking into the guys house and slitting hit throat (which was Wade's plan but that only earned a punch to the arm from the hero). Spider-Man was smart, Wade reminds himself when the arachnid starts planning out Peter's role in this mission. He wouldn't let anything happen to a civilian if he could stop it. Wade knows that, but it still makes him feels a bit uneasy when Spidey continues on with his plan. 

_Aw, you're growing a heart. It's all the time you spend with those X-Man dudes._

[Or the last few days with bug boy.]

_Nah, it's the sexist super dudes. Where are all of the women in the MCU anyways? They should give them more attention._

Wade ignores them and instead directs a question towards Spider-Man. 

"Where will you be again?" 

Spidey sighs, "Hiding, watching Peter. I have to be there to protect him. You're going to be out on the roof waiting for my signal- a text- and you're going to come in and arrest the guy. Not too hard, right?" 

It wasn't. In fact, it might just be the easiest plan he's every heard. Doesn't mean he wants to bring in Peter though. 

"Are you sure we should bring Peter in?"

[Stop being a baby, dick for brains.]

_Yeah, suck it up and let Spidey tell us what to do._

"I'm positive, Pool. He can handle it." Spider-Man reached out and grabbed Wade's hand, squeezing it gently before letting it go. "It's nice that you care about him though."

"Well he has nothing to do with this so it's only fair that we don't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do." Deadpool all but whispers. 

_Spidey's touch has you SHOOK._

"I swear if you say shook one more time, Yellow. I am thirty year old man. I don't get shook." Wade grunts to the box. Spidey laughs from his place next to him, causing Wade to blush because he kinda forgot that the hero was sitting next him during his conversation with the boxes. Spidey stands up and dusts his suit off. 

"Where ya going, Webs?" Deadpool questions.

"To tell Peter the plan," he says. "I'll have him text you about it, okay?" 

Deadpool nods slowly before grabbing his phone out of his pouch. He hands it to Spidey, letting him add his number to it and sending a text to himself. When Wade gets his phone back he sees 'Spider-Man' written with a spider emoji right next to it. Wade chuckles. 

"What a fucking nerd." He tells the hero. 

Spidey scoffs, "Keep calling me a nerd and me might never be friends, Poolboy." 

"Aw, Webs, don't be like that. You know it's all from love. I'm telling you, our wedding is going to happen. It's written in the stars."

"Sure it is," Spider-Man laughs another one of those laughs that make Wade feel like he floating in space. "I'll have Peter text you. See ya, Deadpool."

"Call me Wade!" Wade calls out when Spider-Man shoots a web and flings himself off the building. He thinks that he didn't hear it at first but the hero could get too far, Wade heard him call back a "Bye,Wade!"

Wade will sleep happy that night. He's friends with Spider-Man. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was finishing this up at school waiting for my next class to start and some girls at a table across from me were talking about infinity war and stuff. I love college.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter freaks out. Tony calls. Peter freaks some more then calls Deadpool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoot whoot another chapter.  
> Also I'm posting this after seeing Niall Horan in concert even though I have class in the morning bc I'm still buzzing and can't sleep yet.  
> Thank you for reading!

It's been few years since Peter has ever had an actual panic attack. To be completely honest, he didn't think he would ever have one again because that one was caused by Aunt May finding out he was Spider-Man. Now though, as he sits on his ratty couch staring down at his phone, he could feel one starting to rise. His chest was tight and he felt like he couldn't breath. He was pretty sure he was going to start crying at any second. And Ned wasn't home because he was visiting his parents for a few hours so no one was there to calm him down. 

His panic was irrational. He knows that his plan that he created with Deadpool- Wade- was stupid, but he also knew it was going to work and if it kept Wade from killing a man, no matter how terrible he was, it was worth being part of it without his mask on. He just had to be extra careful to make sure Wade didn't realize that Peter Parker was actually Spider-Man. It should be easy enough. The plan was for Deadpool to stay put on the roof until given the signal. There was no chance the merc would connect the dots. Right? 

And that's how Peter ended up on his couch, Spider-Man suit still on, hyperventilating and panicking over what should be a simple mission with a murderous mercenary that had voices in his head. That's also how his phone started to ring with a familiar name. 

Tony Stark. 

 _Fuck_ , Peter thinks, _I'm still in my suit and Mr. Stark can track my blood pressure and heart rate so he can make sure I'm not in any danger. Stupid genius person technology._

Peter rips his mask off his head and takes a deep breath. The phone was ringing still and he knows if he doesn't answer it Mr. Stark will just call until he does or even go as far as showing up to Peter's apartment. It has happened before when Peter was avoiding his calls due to a incident he had fighting a gang of guys that somehow got their hands on some weird, advanced technology. Peter had gotten hurt during the fight and he was recovering the best that he could without drawing the attention of Mr. Stark and Aunt May. It was difficult to avoid the pair, especially when they knew about his activities as Spider-Man and worried about his safety every time he left the house to stop a crime from happening. It didn't really matter how long Peter had been Spider-Man, the two still worried about him like he was till fifteen. 

Peter answered his phone before the final ring, greeted with a relieved sigh from the other side. 

"You okay, kid?" Was the first thing out of Tony's mouth. Peter sighed and leaned back into his couch, trying to call the panic he could still feel bubbling in his chest. He could have a panic attack later but on the phone with his Hero was not a good time, no matter how often Tony Stark said he was here for him. It was embarrassing and Peter never wanted that to happen. 

"All good, Mr. Stark. Just got back from patrol." Peter answered as calmly as he could. Usually hiding how he was feeling was pretty easy with most people. Hell, he'd been lying to the world since he was a teenager, but for some reason lying to Tony Stark always made him feel terrible. Maybe it was because of all the nice things he's done for Peter, like give him the suit or let him help with Avenger stuff sometimes. Peter didn't know, but he alway ended up feeling like crap when he was forced to lie to the man. 

"Right, I'm going to choose to believe that," Tony agrees and Peter can just tell the man was rolling his eyes. "But I also need to chat with you about something. I've been notified that Spider-Man has been seen with a certain mercenary the last couple of days and I can't help but wonder why that is. Mind filling me in?"

Peter cringes. He knows that Wade doesn't have the best reputation and honestly, it wasn't like he meant to spend these last few days with him, it just kind of happened. So that's what comes out of Peter's mouth. Then he was just kind of word vomiting about stopping Deadpool from killing a guy and going on patrol with him and how he wasn't too terrible of a guy. Obviously not Peter's favorite person to be around because of his questionable morals and how heavy he lays on the flirting, but it could be worse. He could be hanging around with a child killer or something. And as far as he knows, Deadpool was strictly against kids getting hurt. Like ever. Peter has a sneaking suspicion that Wade would probably freak out if he saw a child fall off their bike and scrape their knee just a tiny bit. 

Tony listens to all of Peter's rambling quietly. So quietly that Peter thinks that maybe they lost connection but after a few seconds of silence, Tony is speaking clearly to him. 

"Listen kid," Tony sighs. "You're smart and you know the difference between what's good and what's bad. Way better than I did when I was your age. Hell, way better than I do now I think. Just remember that this guy is literally insane and kills people for money, alright? Don't get involved unless you deem it absolutely necessary. If you think helping the merc stop this guy is a good idea, then go for it, but please be careful and don't let him get too close. And for the love of God, don't let him see you without the mask."

Peter gulps. The whole plan that he had laid out for catching that creep was kind of set off of Peter not wearing his mask. Of course Wade didn't know that, but Peter was hyper aware that he was going to be without a mask around the mercenary. 

"I promise I won't let him get too close, Mr. Stark." Peter says as calmly as he could get out, hopefully not sounding as unsure as he felt. "Besides, if he does end up too close or tries to hurt me I can just yeet him off a building or into jail or something."

There was a long pause. 

"I really wonder why I put up with you sometimes, Pete." Tony sighs. "Just be careful and keep me updated on what you decide to do with the pedophile. And how Deadpool acts. If he gets too rowdy or inside just web him up and I'll have someone come pick him up. It's not like that hasn't happened before."

"You've arrested him?" Peter squeaks. 

"Kid, he's a mercenary. Of course we've arrested him before. He escaped somehow but we've done it a few times." Tony explains. "Hopefully he doesn't make us do it again."

When Mr. Stark hangs up, Peter sinks back into his couch. Lying to Mr. Stark made his panic worse. But before he could continue panicking in peace, he had to get the suit off so he didn't cause worry to the father figure he had. 

Really, Tony was just a mentor and Peter knew that, but Tony always treated him like a child-like his child- and Peter hasn't had that support from other a male figure since Ben died, he kind of just latched on. Neither of the men were too worried with their relationship really. They loved each other like family and Peter knew that Mr. Stark would do anything for him. Including keeping him away from Deadpool if he wasn't careful. Peter couldn't let that happen because he genuinely thinks that he can convince Deadpool that he doesn't always have to kill someone to get his point across. And Peter could see that Wade really cared for people and he didn't want him to stick to his life as a murderous mercenary. He has way more potential than just being a mercenary. Peter could see him helping loads of people if he would get on track. 

When the suit was stuffed back into it place of Peter's book bag, he relaxed back on the couch and grabbed his burner phone that he uses as Spider-Man and his regular phone that he uses day to day. It was a fancy Stark tech phone that Tony had gifted him for his birthday back in August and he was grateful for it because he dropped his old one religiously, causing it to crack and break to the point of no return. 

He dialed the number he had plugged into his Spider-Man phone and hesitated to call Wade. If he did this and went through with his plan, Wade would know Peter Parker. Was it a risk he was willing to take?

It has to be, Peter decided quickly, slamming his thumb down on the call button before he could talk himself out of it. 

The phone rang quietly. Peter couldn't tell if it was the phone vibrating or him because of his nerves. It was likely both, but he kept the phone up to his ear to listen for Deadpool. It rang for what felt like forever and Wade never picked up.

" _Deadpool here. Merc with a mouth talking. Big red condom at your service."_ Wade's voicemail started. " _If you're calling for a little slicing and dicing I recommend calling Weasel. Calling for a booty call? Call Weasel. Spidey calling? Please leave a message._ " 

Peter couldn't help but let out a laugh and listened for the beep to leave his message. 

"Uh, hi? This is Peter? Parker? Friend of Spider-Man. I was told to call so, erhm, call me back I guess?" Peter struggles through the message. "Or don't? I don't know. Bye."

Peter pressed the button to hang up and let's out a frustrated sigh. Talking on the phone was not his strong suit and it only got worse when he was anxious. The only time Peter ever truly felt confident was when he was in the Spidey suit where his face was covered and people thought he was cool (besides his boss that he sold Spidey pictures to, who despised Spider-Man, though he doesn't realize that Spider-Man is standing in front of him when he yells about his hatred for the visuality). So, being Peter Parker was tough and he was really regretting mentioning to Deadpool that he could be part of this plan. 

Peter let out a long sigh and headed to bed. If Deadpool wouldn't answer his calls tonight the he would try again in the morning, but for now he was exhausted and needs a good nights sleep.

While Peter slept he received a text message from Wade saying: 'soz I didn't answer bb. Lost my hands for a while. Call back in the morning and I'll gladly inform you of this plan and maybe how hot ur voice sounds.'


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s midterm season and I’m screaming.  
> Please enjoy.

When Peter awoke and read over the text message that he received from Deadpool, he huffed and tossed his phone back down on his bed. His head was aching and Deadpool was the least of his worries right now. Plus, he thinks he can hear Ned cooking in the kitchen and a good breakfast sounds great right about now. 

Walking into the kitchen he sees his roommate and MJ. Ned was trying to flip a pancake from the pan without a spatula while MJ was sitting on the counter, arms crossed, and an unimpressed look on her face. Peter walked around Ned to the fridge, pulling out a jug of orange juice and taking a swig straight from the bottle. 

MJ’s face scrunches up in disgust, “You drink from the jug? You monster.” 

Ned turned around and smiled at his roommate. MJ directs her attention on him. 

“You let him do that?” She questions. 

Ned shrugs, “Can’t really stop him. Plus, I don’t drink orange juice so whatever.”

”Yeah, Michelle, he doesn’t drink orange juice. Mind your business.” Peter skirts and jumps up on the counter with the girl. “Why are you here so early anyways?” 

“It’s twleve thirty, man. I’ve already had a class today.” Ned tells him and places the pan back on the eye of the stove. Peter shrugs. Guess the panic from last night really wore him out. 

“Same,” MJ tells him. “And Ned said he’d make lunch. Turns out his lunches are just burnt pancakes that are way too salty for any normal person ever.”

Ned sniffed, “I’m trying my best Michelle. Please address me as Chef Ned as that is my actual title.”

Peter laughs at his best friend. It has been known that Ned was not a great chef. It’s probably one of the reasons he had went to his parents the day before anyways, because he was hungry and Peter wasn’t home to help with food. It wasn’t the first time that Ned has wandered back to see him mom for a nice home cooked meals. And Peter wouldn’t be surprised if there were some leftovers in the fridge that his mom insisted on Ned taking. Peter’s stomach loved when Ned would bring home food from his visits with his parents. 

MJ rolls her eyes, “Right. Maybe you should stick to the whole bioengineering degree you’re working on and not culinary.”

”You’re just jealous, MJ. But please, keep insulting me.” Ned snarked. 

“Should I call and order pizza then?” Peter questions. MJ’s pleading look told him he should and that’s all he needed to jump off the counter and rush to his room and grab his phone. He read over Wade’s message again and decided that he’d call the merc before calling the pizza place. Sighing, he taps on Wade’s number and listens to it ring. At first he thinks Deadpool is just going to let it go to voicemail but finally on the last ring, he is greeted with a deep, cheerful voice singing on the other end of the line. 

“ _Hello, it’s me.”_ Wade answered. Peter quirks an eyebrow at the way the man answered. 

“Uh, hey. It’s Peter Parker. Is this Deadpool?” Peter questions. 

“Yes it is, Petey-Pie. What a lovely voice you have. A friend of Spidey’s too so that much mean you’re cute! Oh Canada, thank you Spidey for letting me talk to such a beautiful boy!” Deadpool cheers. 

“Right,” Peter scratches the back of his head. “So, uh, do you wanna meet to talk about the mission or something? I’m kind busy but I’ll be free tonight I guess.” 

Deadpool sighs dreamily, “I would absolutely love to go on a date with you Pete, but my heart is taken by the bug boy you call a friend.”

”Spiders aren’t bugs they’re arachnids,” Peter corrected. “And not a date. Just going over the mission for the pedophile guy that Spidey told me about.” 

“Just as good, I suppose. But please tell Spidey that I refused your date proposal so we don’t make him jealous. I’m trying to get on his good side.” Deadpool tells him. Peter rolls his eyes. He has no clue why he thinks doing anything with the merc will tame his flirtatious behavior. That was just something he was going to have to get use to he supposes. That means more headaches for Peter to deal with and that was great. Not. 

“‘Kay, so when and where?” 

“My place at 10? I’ll have tacos.” Deadpool wastes no time in responding. 

Peter rolls his eyes again. Then he thinks that they might just fall out of his head if he keeps doing that so maybe he should stop. It’s unlikely that will happen but he can try. 

“Fine. Text me the address. See ya then.” And with that Peter pulls the phone from his face and pressed the ‘end call’ button. 

Great. An evening with Deadpool without his mask having to pretend to not be Spider-Man just so they can get this mission done and he can get away from him as quickly as possible. He needed to listen to Tony and distance himself from the dangerous mercenary. 

A text popped up on his phone saying: “see 2night bb. hope u like tacos and beeeeer. also ily and ur voice. srry for rejecting u and our date.” 

Following that was an address for Wade’s apartment and a gif of two pandas hugging with the caption of “us in a few hrs when we bcum fwiends.” 

Peter sends a thumbs up emoji as a response and then proceedes to call the pizza place to order food for himself and his friends. 

After a few hours of just hanging out with his friends, Peter finds himself growing restless. It’s not that hanging out with Ned and MJ wasn’t enough to keep him entertained, it’s just that if he stays still for too long then he gets antsy and wants to just run around or something to let out his energy. It was a downside of his abilities, but his friends had just grown to accept that Peter could never sit still for too long and always tried to find activities that kept him from going stir crazy. Usually going on a walk or playing a video game would help with his antsy behavior but sometimes it would get to the point that he just had to leave and go patrol for a while to get out the energy. 

So, after watching two of the Sharknado movies, Peter was ready to get out and do something. He was going to go crazy if Ned and MJ kept him in the apartment to watch another one of those movies. 

Ned noticed this towards the middle of the second movie and asked Peter if he would make them all some popcorn. Peter did but it wasn’t enough for him and he was ready to fling himself out of the window. With his webs of course. 

“Hey, Pete, wanna go get some ice cream or something?” MJ asked as she was pulling up the third movie. Peter let out a sigh and stopped bouncing his leg, not really noticing that he had been bouncing it to begin with. That must’ve been what gained MJ’s attention to his need to do something. He popped up from his spot on the couch and grabbed the ten dollars that MJ was holding out for him to take and dashed to the door. 

“You didn’t ask what kind we wanted, nerd!” MJ called out to him. 

“Ned wants chocolate and you want pistachio. Please, woman, I know what I’m doing.” Peter calls back and makes his way out of the apartment and to the convenient store just a block over. God, being cooped up in the apartment was making him go crazy. 

Walking to the store was a breeze. It was pushing 5 o’clock and people were making their way home from work, so the streets were a bit more full than they were when he patrolled at night. He listened to conversations of the people around him, finding himself laughing when one woman on the phone said “and they were roommates.” He couldn’t help it. He loves Vine. His laughter got a few stares from those around him but he didn’t mind because he was coming up on the store and was easily able to avoid the judge mental looks of the people around him. 

The ding that followed the opening of the door sounded when Peter pushing himself inside. The man behind the counter, John, looked up from the book he was reading and waved to Peter. Peter waved back and basically slipped towards the freezer where the ice cream is kept. No one else was in the store, Peter noticed as he dug around to find the ice cream flavors he was looking for. It was unusual because there were so many people outside but it didn’t set off hi Spidey sense so he figured it was okay. 

After grabbing the cold treat he looked down the candy isle to see what else he could bring to his friends when the front door flung open and the bell chimed. Peter glanced up from the candy options and saw a man in a red suit leaning against the counter chatting with John  about the types of cigarettes they sell. 

“I’m not usually a smoker myself, but once a lady told me I was sexy when I smoked one.” Deadpool looks off into the distance as if he were remembering something. He lets out a dreamy sigh and looked back at the worker who was eyeing him cautiously. To be fair the dude was wearing a mask in the middle of a store, and that was fishy. 

“Any suggestions on which ones I should get?” Deadpool asks. 

“Candy, maybe.” Peter pipes in on accident. He really didn’t want to draw attention to himself but too late. He had to go and open him mouth. 

Deadpool turns and looks at him, letting out a laugh and slapping his thigh in delight. 

“Funny stuff kiddo,” Deadpool continues to chuckle. “Shouldn’t you be in school?”

”It’s 5 o’clock. Plus I’m not a kid, so no, I shouldn’t be in school.” Peter rolls his eyes. Well there goes trying to stop that. Oh well. 

“There’s no way you’re not a kid! You’re tiny!” 

Peter scoffs, “Need to see my ID? Because last time I checked I was twenty, but whatever.” 

“He’s right, sir. Been coming to this store for years. I’ve watched him grow. Not much but that’s not his fault.” John pipes in. Peter glares at him. He knows he’s kinda short, especially compared to Wade, but come on! He’s like average height! Screw you John. 

“Ha! He called you short!” Deadpool cackles and doubles over. Peter huffs and lays his things on the counter. John begins scanning them and sends an apologetic smile in Peter’s direction. 

“Please shut up, Pool.” Peter grumbles. Being laughed at for his height sucked and make him feel like he was in high school again. High school sucked and he never wanted to relive that. 

Deadpool returned to his full height and wiped at the eyes of his mask as if to wipe away a tear. “Sorry, kid. It was just unexpected is all. What’s your name?”

”Peter,” The young man answered. “Talked to you on the phone earlier if you don’t remember?”

Deadpool pauses and gasped, hands flying to his face and recreating the Home Alone scene basically. 

“You’re Petey-Pie? Holy shit knuckles! You’re hot! God, I can’t believe I was right either Yellow! Fuck!” Wade laughed. “What a strange thing they we met here on accident. It’s almost like fate has brought us together.”

”Or,” Peter hands John his money. “I just wanted to buy some ice cream and you like to pop into stores and make fun of men that are shorter than you.” 

“Honey, if I wanted to make fun of short men, I’d pop by and see old Iron Ass at the Avengers tower or go see a Bruno Mars concert. It’s cute though! Makes your feisty attitude all the more endearing.” Deadpool tells him. Peter can’t stop himself from rolling his eyes again. He grabs his bag full of snacks from John and thanks him before heading for the door. He didn’t really expect Deadpool to begin to follow him, abandoning his search for cigarettes. 

“So where ya going with all that junk?” The mercenary questions. “You don’t look the type to just lay around and munch on junk food. Of course I’m one to talk because all I eat it garbage. Then again, my body can literally be blown up and I’ll be fine and look exactly like this. I ha- yes I know White but that isn’t my fault is it? Shut the fuck up.”

Peter raises an eyebrow but keeps walking, “I have friends over if you must know. It’s not all for me. I’m not going to eat two pints of ice cream and three candy bars in one sitting.” 

“Sounds like a good time to me,” Deadpool shrugs. “I would have those gobbled up in less than an hour.” 

Peter lets out a small chuckle at the image of Wade just gobbling up a shit ton of junk food and then complaining because his stomach started to hurt.

”So,” Deadpool continues. “You don’t seem like the kinda guy that can help kick a pedophiles ass. What the secret?”

I’m Spider-Man, Peter wants to say but doesn’t because that’s stupid. He can’t tell a mercenary his identity. And Tony would kill them both if Deadpool ended up finding out who he was. 

Instead Peter shrugs, “I’m stronger than I look. Spider-Man has been a good mentor.” 

“He’s your mentor too? I’ve been trying to be extra good so he’ll let me hang around. It’s kinda tough not unaliving people. Especially that pedo.” Deadpool sighs. 

Peter hums and notices that he finally reached his building, not realizing that Deadpool followed him all the way home. Fuck. Now he knows where he lives. That’s great Peter, might as well tell him you’re Spider-Man too why don’t you? God he was such an idiot. 

“Uh, this is me.” Peter points over his shoulder at the building. “Thanks for walking with me?”

”Gotta make sure such a beautiful boy gets home safely, ya know.” Deadpool shrugs. “Also I kinda wanted to apologize for making fun of you at the store. That wasn’t cool.” 

“Oh thanks, I guess. That’s nice of you.” Peter says, surprised that the merc actually apologized for something that kinda hurt Peter’s feeling a little bit. God, he was so sensitive. 

Wade shrugged, “No problem. See you late to go over the plan.”

With that said, Deadpool begin skipping in the other direction, actually skipping and singing a song that sounds awfully close to Call Me Maybe. Peter’s face scrunches in confusion but he turns and heads back to his apartment where his friends are waiting for him and the ice cream. 

“Jesus Pete, did you go all the way to California to get the ice cream?” MJ asked as soon as he opened the door to the apartment. Ned laughs and helps Peter with the bags, digging through his and grabbing the tub of chocolate ice cream out. Peter reached into his and grabs MJ’s ice cream and tosses it to her. 

“Saw someone I know and got to chatting. And you know John? He made fun of me for being short! Can you believe that guy.” Peter huffs. 

Ned snorts, “I mean, he’s not wrong.”

Peter grabs a candy bar from the bag and throws it at his friends head. Ned gets smacked in the side of the head with it and laughs, grabs it, and throws it back at his friends. It doesn’t hit Peter because Ned sucks at throwing and Peter had to pick it up from the other side of the room where it had landed. He smirks at Ned, who shrugged and plopped back down on the couch. 

“Who’d you run into?” MJ asks curiously. 

“Uh,” Peter hesitates. “His name is Wade. Met him a few days ago.”

”Oh! You mean Dea-“ 

“Yeah!” Peter cuts off Ned, not wanting him to mention Deadpool in front of MJ. That would only make her question things even more. And Peter sucks at lying so he’d rather not have to create a lie to keep MJ from knowing that he was Spider-Man. 

MJ hums but let’s it go, clicking the play button and allowing the Sharknado marathon to continue. Peter is relieved and sinks down into the couch letting the next few hours pass peacefully before he had to go meet Deadpool to discuss the mission. 

 When 9:30 came around Peter dismissed himself from his friends who were watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine, a show that he adored, to make his way to Wade’s apartment by 10 o’clock. He plugged the address into his phone and followed the route it wanted him to take, making it to the building at exactly 10 o’clock. 

Knocking on the door he held his breath, waiting for Wade to open up. He was kinda anxious for no clear reason. He met Deadpool as Peter Parker earlier in the day and he knows that Wade likes him, but he was still nervous for some reason. 

When Wade opened the door the smell of Mexican food overwhelmed his senses. 

“Uh hey,” Peter greets with a smile, trying to look past Wade’s wide body. 

“Petey I must warn ya before you enter that this place is a disaster. I kinda lost my hands yesterday and now there’s blood everywhere.” Wade explains, the mask moving with his eyebrows. How was his mask so expensive? Peter wanted to know. 

“Oh you were serious when you said you lost a hand?” The younger of the two questions. “Seems as if it grew back just fine.”

”It usually does,” Wade shrugs before moving out of the way and gesturing for Peter to enter. “Oh and if you see an old, blind, black woman her name is Al and she can and will shoot you if you try taking her cocain. So don’t try that please.” 

“Not really into cocain, to be honest. More of a weed guy myself.” Peter jokes, not serious. He’s only ever smoked weed once when MJ brought it to their apartment. It was okay for the first fifteen minutes until it stopped giving Peter the affect due to his accelerated metabolism. It was a shame because the first fifteen minutes were the most relaxed he’s been in years. 

“Petey, baby, please don’t do drugs. They’re no bueno.” Wade pats his shoulders and moves to sit on the couch that had a decent sized blood stain on the armrest. Peter follows while letting his eyes wander the room. There were a lot of posters handing on the wall, some with bullet holes and some without. Stacks of books and magazines were sitting in the floor with a white stuffed unicorn placed on top of it. Plenty of takeout containers littered the floor off in a corner. Then on the other side of the room at a half put together piece of furniture. It looked like it was going to be a dresser but never reached that point. 

“Sorry ‘bout the mess. When I’m away Al forgets to clean up after herself.” Wade tells him and kicks his feet up on the coffee table. 

“You are so full of shit.” An older black woman appeared from what Peter assumed was the kitchen. “Don’t let him fool you, kid, he’s the messiest piece of shit to walk this earth. Physically and emotionally.” 

“Not now Althea,” Wade huffed. “Don’t you have some blind lady stuff to attend to?”

”Only on Thursday’s, honey.” Al says and pats Wade’s foot, which Peter just now realized were covered in the ugliest blue Crocs he has ever seen. The more and more Peter gets to know Wade the more he’s confused. He must be the weirdest mercenary in the world. 

After Blind Al disappears into her room, Wade’s voice shift from lighthearted and easy to being serious. 

“Listen, Pete, I’m not okay with you working this mission with Spidey and I.” He confesses. “It’s not right to put you in harms way just because you’re friends with Spidey. So if there’s any way you’ll back out and tell bug boy you don’t wanna do it, please do.”

”Can’t, Pool.” Peter tells him earnestly. “Promise Spider-Man and I really want to help.” 

Wade sighs, “Fuck. Kids these days disobeying their elders. No respect.” 

“Dude I’m twenty so shut up about me being a kid please.” 

“Sorry, sorry.” Wade apologizes. “Let’s get to talking about this plan then. Did Spidey tell you anything about it?”

”That you’re trying to catch a pedophile and need a guy that looks like a kid to trap him. Seems easy enough.” 

“Fuck, it sounds disgusting when you say it. Hell, it sounds disgusting when anyone says it. Are you sure you want to do this?” Wade questions for what feels like the hundredth time. Peter crosses his arms in front of his chest. He knows it’ll be difficult but it has to be done. He’s got a childlike vibe to him and most people just assume he’s a kid when they look at him and he’s strong enough to fight off and actual predator if need be. He couldn’t just send some defenseless kid in there and hope for the best. 

“Would it make you feel better if I tell you that I’m like super strong?” Peter asks hesitantly, not sure if this will give away his identity. He watches as Deadpool quirks an eyebrow in question, waiting for Peter to continue. 

Peter continues carefully, “I’ve got like super strength, okay? I can lift a car if necessary but I try not to use my strength. But I want you to know that I can’t take care of myself if something bad happens. You don’t need to worry about me when we’re trying to catch this guy. Worry about your job in the plan, okay?”

Wade seems to think this over for a minute. Peter hopes that he wasn’t too obvious and telling on his secret life of being Spider-Man. He really couldn’t afford to let Deadpool know who he was. 

“Prove it.”

”What?”

Deadpool shrugs, “Prove it and I won’t try to stop you from working this mission with us.”

”How?” Peter looks around. Nothing looked heavy enough in this room to prove his strength. Wade was this biggest thing in the room honestly and Peter doesn’t think that lifting Wade would prove anything. 

“Gotta car on the street out front,” Wade suggests. “Lift it and I’ll keave you alone.”

And that’s how Peter finds himself outside looking around to see if there was anyone else outside to see him lift a car. It was only him and Deadpool though so he let out a sigh and rubbed his hands together, preparing himself for the extra weight. 

“Don’t hurt yourself, sweetheart.” Deadpool warns him as he begins to grab the vehicle. Peter rolls his eyes and easily lifts the car over his head. It was heavy, sure, but he’s literally stopped a train from falling off a broken bridge before so who cares. 

When he places the car back down on the ground, he sees Deadpool gaping at him under his mask. Speechless, Deadpool walks up to him and drops to his knees. 

“Uh, what are you doing?” 

“I think you might be a God.” Was Wade’s reply. 

“No? Just a college student that really wants to help stop a pedophile.” Peter says in response. “So, will you leave me alone now?” 

“Fuck yeah,” Deadpool sighs and grabs Peter’s hand, pulling it to his mouth and pressing a kiss to it through his mask. “Forgive me for my sins, God.” 

“Stop it,” Peter laughs. “Get up and stop being weird.”

When they returned to Wade’s stained sofa he heard Wade’s quiet remark of “I’m what the kids call Shook.” 

That earns another laugh from the younger man and that’s how Deadpool ends up with a pretty cute visitor eating Mexican food with him and chatting about the plan until one in the morning when Peter decides to leave because he has class in the morning. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter and Wade chat on the phone really late at night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh,,, so i've been distracted and forgot to write anything, so here's this. it's self-serving bc i love fluff and i think this is cute,, and i hope u do too.

Peter tosses and turns the entire night after meeting with Wade, unable to stop the worried feeling in his chest that he had done something wrong. Like maybe he shouldn't have revealed one of his powers to a man he hardly knows, a man that could easily connect his strength with him being Spider-Man. Hell, Wade was obsessed with Spider-Man so he probably connected the dots already and was planning a way to out him to the public. 

He wouldn't do that though would he? He's got his identity that he hides too, so there's no way that Deadpool would do that to him. Especially since he loves Spidey so much. 

Peter huffs and folds up his pillow, trying to get comfortable so he could get a bit of sleep before his class in the morning. No matter how he laid though, he couldn't get comfortable. He didn't know if he could trust Deadpool and he was kind of freaking out. It was so stupid of him to reveal that part of himself to the merc. He didn't even know him that well, for crying out loud!

He huffs and moves to lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling, hands linked on his stomach. God, he was so stupid. Peter reaches out to his bedside table and grabs his phone. Quickly he calls Wade, not putting too much thought into it. It only rings twice before the merc answers.

"Baby boy! How can I help ya?" Deadpool answers happily. Peter could hear what sounded like Wham! playing in the background and the chattering of people. Peter assumed that Wade wasn't at home and if he was, there was party being held there. Peter found that unlikely though considering the state of his apartment.

"Uh, sorry for calling you so late at night, or, ah early in the morning? I don't know, but, um, can I talk to you about what I showed you yesterday, with the, uh, car? Like where no one can hear me or something?" Peter mumbled, nervous and sleepy, but knowing that this was probably for the best. On the other side of the line, he could hear the noises beginning to quiet down and someone crying out "Wade you're a jackass!" which made Peter smile to himself. 

"Okay, baby boy, just us now, what's up?" Wade said warmly. 

Peter cleared his throat, "Uh, well, I just need to know that you aren't going to tell anyone about the car thing. Because no one really knows about it and I don't want anyone to know about it either, so I need to, uhm, make sure you won't say anything." 

Peter waited for Wade to respond but only got silence, which was unusual for the mercenary because all he did was run his mouth. 

"Wade? You there?" Peter asked, nervousness blatant in his voice. Wade's silence made him uneasy. "Wade? Uh, Deadpool? If that upset you, I'm sorry, but I need to know you won't tell anyone." 

Wade cleared his throat then, startling Peter by the sudden noise. 

"Listen, Pete, you don't have to worry about me telling anyone, okay? I might be certifiably insane and just a downright terrible guy all around, but outing someone is a no go for me. Whether that be your super-status or sexuality. I have morals that I stand by and usually never go against. Ever. So your secret is safe with me. Okay, baby boy?" Wade reassured, softer than Peter has ever heard from him before. The way the man spoke made Peter feel a lot better, almost like he could trust the man on the other side of the call. 

"And baby boy, you really can trust me. I know I'm not a great guy but I would never do anything to hurt you, like ever. It's like George Michael says, I swear I won't tease you, won't tell you no lies." Wade let out a sigh. "God, I miss that man. The world will never be the same without him. Do you even know who George Michael is, baby boy? You're probably too young." 

Peter snorts.

"Of course I know who George Michael is, your dummy. He's like, I dunno, a gay icon or something. And Last Christmas is the ultimate Christmas jam." Peter defends himself. "And I would be a terrible gay or something if I didn't know him. Honestly, I don't understand the rules of being gay."

Wade lets out a laugh, "Yeah, I guess you're right. Last Christmas fucking  _slams._ "

"Aren't you like, I dunno, 30 or something? What 30-year-old says that a song slams?"

"Okay, true, but I'm a cool 30-year-old. I listen to all the cool music and I don't pay taxes. I'm the fucking best." Wade says confidently. Peter scoffs and rolls over in his bed, putting his phone and speaker letting it rest on the pillow beside his head. He pulled his blanket up over his shoulders and tucked it under his chin, getting comfortable. 

"You don't pay taxes?" 

"Well, I'm technically dead so it doesn't really matter," Wade explains. 

"Technically dead? What the fuck?" Peter questions, confused and concerned. How could he be technically dead? He was the most famous mercenary like, ever, and the Avengers know about him, so how could he be dead?

"Yeah, ya know, like legally because of the cancer and shit eating me alive until I got turned into Freddie Kruger 2.0," Wade explained jokingly. Peter could hear the tenseness in his voice as he said it though so he decided the let it go. Wade was being nice to him and Peter was enjoying it and he really didn't want to ruin anything. Plus them getting along was important when dealing with a case like they are. Peter wanted nothing more than to trust Wade, especially during the mission. "But, hey, at least I get out of paying taxes. It also helps that I'm not an American citizen."

Peter snorts, "I think I might have to report you to Spider-Man for this. Two illegal things in a row!"

"Well don't tell him that I do drugs on my free time. It would kill me to see him so disappointed in me." Wade sighs jokingly. Peter laughs to himself. He always found it amusing when people would talk about Spider-Man right in front of him because they didn't know that he was the vigilante. His favorite thing was when kids from school would make jokes about Spider-Man around Peter unknowingly in the halls and Peter getting to laugh about it later to himself while he was patrolling. 

"Here's an idea," Peter smiles. "Stop doing illegal shit and you won't have to worry about disappointing Spidey."

Peter could practically here Wade rolling his eyes at him, which makes him laugh to himself. He covers his mouth with his blanket covered hands to stifle the noise of his laughter but he knows Wade could hear him regardless. He hears the older man's chuckles through the line which makes his heart leap for a split second, sending confusion through him because  _what the hell?_  

"Can I ask you something baby boy?" Wade asks. Peter hums, knowing that if he spoke right then his voice would probably catch in his throat and he didn't want to embarrass himself any more than he usually did. 

"I think you called me just to hear my voice. Which is all fine and dandy because I love talking to such a sweet piece of ass like yourself, but I am pretty sure you told me you had class in the morning when you left my place earlier. So, what's the deal baby boy? Shut up Yellow, I  _know._ " Wade wonders in a teasing voice then snaps at one of the voices in his head. Peter's heart rate picked up and he was nervous again. He already got the confirmation from Deadpool that he wasn't going to tell anyone about the car thing so really there was no reason to still be on the phone with Wade. So why was he? Sure he enjoyed listening to the man speak and yeah, he was funny but he did have class in the morning so what was the deal? Peter didn't have an answer. 

Peter cleared his throat before grabbing his phone from beside him and taking it off of speaker. He sits up and flings his blanket over his head, hiding under it like a little kid, hoping it would take the feeling of nervousness away somehow. It only helped a little. 

"Peter," Wade sing-songs with what Peter is assuming is a shit-eating grin. It makes Peters blood boil, but in a good way somehow. 

Peter huffs, "I couldn't sleep because of the car thing and you're good at holding a conversation and, uhm, thought that maybe I would feel better if you told me you wouldn't out me. Or something. I don't know. Honestly." He paused. "I just... Like hearing you talk, I guess."

There was a pause on the other side of the line before Wade was singing obnoxiously. 

"Baby you know that I miss you. I wanna get with you tonight but I cannot baby girl and that's the issue, girl you know I miss you. I just wanna kiss you, but I can't right now. So baby kiss me thru the phone, kiss me thru the phone. I'll see you later on. Kiss me thru the phone, kiss me thru the phone. See you when I get home." Wade was pretty much screaming through the phone, making Peter laugh hysterically. Wade was humming the rap part after because he didn't know the words and Peter clasped his hand over his mouth to stop from being too loud and waking Ned. His friend would kill him if he woke him up at three in the morning from laughing like a maniac. 

Wade must've been extremely loud to whoever he was with because after a second of Wade singing, the older man was yelling at someone to stop hitting him and that he promised to stop singing. 

"Thank fuck," The voice in the background grunted and then Peter could hear a door slam. Wade was laughing to himself, muttering something about having dickhead friends. 

"Sorry, baby boy, Weasel really hates Soulja Boy. Honestly, he might be a racist. I should kill him or something." Peter imagined Deadpool shrugging which made him smile. Peter let out a yawn then but decided he still wanted to chat with Wade, not really caring about the fact he had class at ten in the morning. Really, no one needed a philosophy class anyway. He could miss it just this once. 

"I mean, I'm against killing, but if he's racist, do what you must." Peter joked. He snuggled himself back down on his bed, blanket still covering his entire body but now he was more comfortable. "So, not that it's really any of my business, where are you? It was kinda noisy earlier."

"Saint Margarets, its this really gross bar that my asshole friend runs. It's pretty much hell on earth. All of the scumbags that Spider-Man has probably put away at some point or another come here." Wade explains. Peter yawns again, not very successful at coving it up. 

"Baby boy," Wade tsks. "You need to go to sleep.

Peter shakes his head, "I'm okay, really. Keep telling me about this bar. It's gross?"

"Oh yeah, it doesn't even exist on Yelp because of all the negative reviews it would get. And I'm pretty sure no one is this shithole knows how to use the internet anyways."

Peter hums as an acknowledgment. 

"And there are all kinds of diseases floating around here. Probably every type of hepatitis that exists. And it smells like a prostitutes vag, not a clean one though. A prostitute that has been through it and has just about given up. It's probably the worst place in New York but Weasel gives excellent blowjobs." Wade hums. 

"What?"

"Oh, ya know, like the shot? You think I would let Weasel bring his dirty lips anywhere near me? Fuck no. Even I, the avocado fucker, have standards. I wouldn't let him come near my dick with a ten-foot pole. God, could you imagine? I might vomit just thinking about it honestly. Have you seen Weasel? Wait, no, of course, you haven't. Let me describe him. He's the embodiment of a troll doll? No, wait, thanks Yellow. He's like Shrek with hair. And glasses. But ugly glasses that make him look like an asshole hipster and he probably smells worse than Shrek if I'm honest." Wade goes on and on like he enjoys trashing his friend. 

"Sounds like you hate this guy," Peter says sleepily. 

"Hm? Oh, yeah, I do, but he's my best friend. Which really says something about me as a person, but we both know I'm the worst, so whatever." Wade continues. "Actually I say he's my best friend, but really he's the only person that willingly hangs out with me, and sure he can be an asshole most of the time, but he means well. I think. Actually, he doesn't. He hates me. Oh! I have Dopinder too. He's a taxi driver and I love him. The sweetest guy, really. Guess how I pay him! Shut up White, I know I'm a dick. Anyway, I pay him in high fives and he loves it. Well, I think he likes. I've never asked, but he always smiles and laughs, so I'm gonna assume he likes it. Then there's NTW, or Negasonic Teenage Warhead, or Ellie, I guess? But we aren't like friend friends, ya feel me baby boy? She is basically a babysitter when my chromed penis friend isn't around. She's got this girlfriend though named Yukio who is so cute! Oh, I know they were like the first LGBT couple in the universe, weren't they? I fucking love them." Wade sighed happily. The merc paused to wait for a response from the younger boy, but Peter was already asleep, snoring softly into the phone, which made Wade's heart just fucking melt. 

The merc didn't hang up the call like a normal person would just muted it and went to tell Weasel that he was leaving for the night, to which the obnoxious bartender laughed and said, "Have fun being gay!"

Wade slipped out of the bar and took Peter off of mute and just listened to the boys soft breathing all the way home and when he finally sunk into his shitty bed, fell asleep without ending the call. 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade wakes up still on the phone with Peter. Wade has new plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit it’s been a hot minute. I have no excuses lmao please enjoy

Wade wasn't usually a morning person. He was kind of cranky and The Boxes were always loud, annoying him to no end. The only time he could really get peace from the voices in his head was when he was either dead or asleep and being dead for long enough to get a break from them was painful and Wade only liked it when it got too bad. 

So to be woken up from the peaceful slumber he had for the first time in over a month, Wade wasn't too pleased. Until he discovered the reason he had been woken up. 

Beside him on his bed was his phone, plugged in and open on a phone call. 

He had fallen asleep listening to Peter's slow breathing like a creep and was being woken up to Peter's coughing and muttering to himself. Wade listened for a moment, taking in the sleepy voice of the other man. Peter was muttering about how stupid college courses are and that it wouldn't really hurt if he missed one class. He could easily just go to his next class that was later in the day and get more sleep. 

"Baby boy," Wade chirped up after a few moments. 

There was a pause. 

Finally, "Wade?"

"The one and only. We might have fallen asleep on the phone." Wade informs him, leaving out that Peter definitely fell asleep before and Wade just decided to listen to his deep breathing because he found it relaxing. 

_That's fucking creepy._

Wade chose to ignore Yellow, because, yeah he knew it was creepy and he didn't need the voice in his head to tell him that. 

"Oh," Peter responded. "Sorry about that. Uh, well I have classes today so, uhm, I'll let you go." 

"No problem, baby boy. Go get that degree." Wade tells him. "And just so you know, you snore."

Peter lets out a laugh and Wade's heart flutters, "No I don't!"

"Sure, kid, sure." 

"Not a kid." Peter reminds him. "Bye Wade."

When Peter ended the call, Wade sighed and threw his phone across the room, the boxes screaming at him once again.

_Maybe he’d like you more if you weren’t such a god damn freak. I mean, who just hangs out listening to someone breathe while they’re asleep? I would call the police if someone did that to mean, T-B-H._

Wade huffed, “Sucks that you can’t get outta my head then, doesn’t it?”

Yellow doesn’t respond and chooses to hum Bohemian Rhapsody on repeat. White stays silent in all of this, only choosing to help Yellow out with the high notes. It makes Wade’s head ache. Sure, he loves that song, but not when two of the most annoying voices in the world sing it obnoxiously. It’s like nails on a chalkboard when they sing it. 

Wade ignores them and proceeds to climb back in bed, not having any real plans for the day until later at night and since his job is illegal it makes it harder to do in the day time. Plus, Spider-Babe didn’t usually come out until later in the day so there wasn’t much use in trying to find him. 

Wade lays facing the ceiling, noticing the strange texture that was above him. It reminded him of a Jackson Pollock painting in a way, because of the randomness of it. 

**_Jackson Pollock splattered paint, idiot._ **

Wade rolls his eyes. At least he knew who the fuck that was. He didn’t give a shit about art! Except for the fantastic fanart that could be found on the internet of him and Spidey. That was his favorite because he shipped them too. That art was always fun and usually gave him wanking material. And Wade loves a good tickle to his pickle, especially when imagining Spidey in those tight spandex. 

“This fanfic fucking sucks.” Wade groans as he pulls the blanket up over his face. He was restless but at the same time absolutely exhausted. 

_Do you think the writer forgot what this story was about?_

**_Yes._ **

"Do you think that Weasel will have a job lined up?"

_That would mildly convenient and a shitty way to transition to a different scene._

"Away we go!" Wade cheers sarcastically and rolls out of bed. 

It was a whole process of squeezing into his suit. It was tight and his skin was sore in a way that wasn't uncommon but totally a pain in his ass. It was just Wade's luck that not only was he ugly, but he was stuck with a constant pain with his mutating skin. It was dry and cracking, itchy on good days and on fire on the bad days. The bad days were the days that reminded him of the few times he actually was on fire, and the good days were few and far between and he treated them like the blessed days they were. 

_We get it. Your life sucks._

**_SUCKS ASS._ **

_“_ Fuck you.”

 

~~~

 

”No jobs today, Wade. Go do the job you already have.” Weasel said as soon as Wade took his place on his designated stool in the bar. 

“Mother fucker,” Wade groans. “It’s always something in this fucking story. Fine. I’ll go find Spidey and tell him we need to get this shit done.”

Weasel wipes a glass dry as he says, “Can’t believe you’re actually not killing this guy. I think the bug broke you even more than you already were.”

**_Spiders are bugs._ **

_Arachnids._

Wade grunts and slams his head on the countertop as hard as he could. The few people in the bar quiet momentarily and look at him, but he doesn’t give a shit as he lets out a scream. Not from pain, but from boredom and frustration. He has days where he just can’t get rid of his boredom and can usually count on Weasel to keep him entertained, but it doesn’t seem like his frenemy was going to be doing that today. Piece of shit. 

He bolts upright immediately. 

“Chill out man, you’ll scare the paying customers.” Weasel tells him. 

“Shut up.” Deadpool sneers. “I just had the best fucking idea in the history of ideas and I need your help right this second. Drop the glass and meet me upstairs, you beautiful sonuvabitch.” 

Wade leads across the counter, grabs Weasel’s head, and kisses his disgusting sweaty forehead before darting through the bar and up the stairs in the back leading to the upstairs apartment that he’s pretty sure Weasel does his mercenary side business in. Or maybe he lives there. Wade is uncertain, though he thinks he recalls Weasel telling him that he lived with his mom once. 

_**That wasn’t him.** _

_Could be though. He looks like he would live with his mom and maybe kill her off for money._

_”_ I didn’t say you could go up there Wade!” Weasel calls from where he was following behind him. 

Wade ignored him and slammed his foot into the locked door at the top of the stairs, successfully breaking the lock and letting him into the messy room. Inside was a dingy blue couch with three different laptops sitting on it and a coffee table that had a Playboy sitting on top. 

“Gross.”

”You’re gonna lay for a new lock.” Weasel grumbled, followed by a quiet “dumbass motherfucker.”

”Didn’t know you watched so much porn, buddy. Didn’t want to either.” Wade says as he opens up one of the laptops and the screensaver is an anime girl with huge tits.

_Hell yeah!_ Yellow cheers. Wade rolls his mask covered eyes and closes the laptop then drops it carelessly. He didn’t have time!  So much to do, so little time. 

“What the fuck is your problem?” Weasel complains. 

Wade starts pushing the couch to the wall while explaining his plan.

”Spidey and I have this thing for that fucking perv and we’re trying to lure him in so we can catch him in the act. We can use this weird masturbation apartment that you have as a place to bring him that way we have the upper hand. We know the area and if anything goes wrong and he tries running it’ll have to be through the bar where a whole bunch of criminals and people that fucking hate pedophiles. I’m a genius.” Wade tosses the Playboy to Weasel and shoves the table back to the couch, leaving the room open with enough space for suspicious activity. 

**_Will Spider-Man agree to this?_ **

_We don’t remember his plan anyway so it doesn’t matter. Also we have guns. We win._

"No shooting Spidey." Wade warns Yellow. 

Weasel threw the magazine on the floor, "Sounds stupid. You could just go to his place right now and kill him."

"No can do, straighty.” Wade looks at him with his hands in his hips. "Promised Spidey-Boy we would do it his way."

"When did you start following orders? Wasn’t that like the main reason you got kicked out of the military." Weasel points out, like the party-pooper he was. 

"Not relevant," Wade says with a dismissive wave of his hand. "This isn’t about me following orders. It’s about catching a bad guy, Weas. God." 

_You're so whipped. What a pussy._

"Am I supposed to be offended by that? How many times do I have to tell you pussies are like the strongest thing ever. Fuck off." Wade scolds Yellow about the topic again. It’s like that guy can’t learn or something. 

_You’re not even getting any action and you hang on to every single word Spider-Bitch says. It’s pathetic._

_**It is weird, but it’s keeping us out of trouble.** _

"Right," Weasel sighs. "Well, make sure you don’t fuck the place up. Also I’m taking more money from this job because you’re using my shit."

Wade shrugs. 

When Weasel leaves and Wade is left in the room by himself, he pulls his phone out of one of the pouches and dials Peter, forgetting about his classes for the day. 

"Deadpool?" Peter answers the phone. 

"Listen up, Petey. I’ve got a plan." 

"I only have a few minutes between classes, so be quick." 

Wade smiles and goes into his explanation. He tells Peter about the apartment and the idea he came up randomly, leaving out the part where he was looking for a new job, fearing that he might tell Spidey. 

“Sounds fine, Deadpool. You should tell Spider-Man about all the details later when you meet up with him." Peter tells him. "I’ve gotta go. I’ll text you later, okay?"

"Yep, go get that degree baby." Wade says and hangs up. 

He lets out a sigh and puts his phone away. 

_Lol he’s already tired of you._

"Fuck off." 

With a clap of his hands, Wade ignores the voices and begins the process of making the apartment presentable and nice enough like a sick motherfucker wouldn’t be scared of being in the room. Gotta have a nice looking apartment to draw in the bad guys, Wade decided. 

_**I can’t believe you’re cleaning an apartment that isn’t even yours, but you won’t clean your own.** _

_It’s even Weasel’s dirty apartment! You totally love him!_

_**You should really clean your place. It’s a nightmare.** _

_Leave it. I love the chaos._

_**Gross.** _

_Fuck off._

Wade sighs and continues to clean the place. If he were to leave to place dirty it will raise suspicion from the perv and scare him away, which isn’t what Wade wants, even if spending more time with Spidey working on catching this guy would be incredible. The only issue with that would be letting the sicko run around free. Wade could never let that happen. 

_You’re letting it happen now by setting up this shit show of a plan. Just go kill him._

_**It’ll piss off Spidey. Not worth it.** _

Wade agree with White. It’s not worth it, so he will continue to do that plan that he and the bug came up with. 

He only hopes Spidey will approve this newer plan with the apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and bad. Sorry.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter does stuff. Wade joins. They get started on the plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made this one a bit longer to make up for the last chapter. Hope you enjoy.

Peter pulls the Spider-Man mask over his face quickly and webs his bag to the highest point of a building in a hopeful attempt at keeping someone from stealing it. He had just gotten off the phone with Wade about the weird apartment plan and he wasn’t able to catch all of what the merc was saying because he was trying to squeeze into his suit. 

While waiting for his next class to start there was a loud boom from a few miles away, a sound that Peter could hear clear as day and had the familiar tingle of his Spidey-sense to tell him something was up. Of course something was up. It was New York. There’s always something happening in New York. 

As much as Peter loved his home, he despised the chaos that comes with it. Couldn’t the bad guys go to Los Angels or something for once? He heard that they have nice beaches over on that side of the coast. 

To no surprise of Peter, there was a masked crazy person with a big gun shooting at a bank. The police had him surrounded, but couldn’t come close enough to arrest him with the massive gun he kept pointing at them. By the looks of it, the big boom Peter had heard came from a random civilians car getting shot and exploding. Several civilians, obviously, stood by with their phones out recording the entire thing. You’d think these people would be running from the crazy masked guy with the big gun. New Yorkers, man. This is just a regular day for them. 

Deciding it was time to step in, Spider-Man shot a web to the building next to the bank and swung around, arching his web and landing in his famous crouch on the ledge of the building. He heard cheers from some of the civilians and the police take a collective sigh of relief. Sure, he’s a vigilante and most media outlets hate him, but he does do most of the police’s jobs and saves them from getting hurt. 

“Hey, what kinda gun you got there pal?” He quips at the masked man. He pointed his web shooter at it and tried snatching it away, but was unsuccessful. Huh. 

The masked man lets out a deep, sinister chuckle and grips the gun tighter. 

“Spider-Man. I was expecting a visit from you.” The deep voice claims and aims the gun in his direction. 

“Oh, sweet. Did you lay out any finger foods? I love a good cheese plate when I visit people.” Spider-Man babbles and jumps off the building. He shoots another web at the gun, yanks as hard as he could and yelps a bit when he still couldn’t get the gun. 

“You won’t be getting this from me, little spider. You’ll have to kill me first.” Masked Man laughs menacingly again. Peter wasn’t sure what was funny, which he voiced. Obviously. Of course this just made the guy mad, which is common. Bad guys hate when Spider-Man cracks jokes. 

“I hate when people call me ‘little spider’. It’s so overplayed, ya know?” Spider-Man keeps talking, jumping from place to place when the man starts shooting at him. This was fun. “Plus, I’m not even that little. I think we might be the same height.” 

Masked Man growls. Actually growls. Weird. He flips a switch on the gun, causing the think to start shaking and changing color. The tip of the gun slowly transitioned from a classic silvery tone to a glowing purple. Where were people getting these cool weapons? The distributor needs to go on vacation so Spider-Man can have a break. 

“Stay still and die, spider, or else.” 

“Ooh, I love an ‘or else’ moment.” Peter jokes, eying the man more so than the gun. If he could figure out his weak spot he would be able to take him out and get the gun from him. 

Spider-Man scanned the man, taking in his full appearance. He was dressed in a cloak. Not creative in the slightest. Whatever. His hands were covered with white gloves and his mask was the only thing with color in his entire outfit. The mask was decorated with swirls of red and black, a touch of white around the eye openings. The mask itself wasn’t like his Spidey mask, but more if a clay, Mardi Gras mask. 

“Hey what’s your name? I never got a chance to catch it before you started shooting at me.” Peter questions while preparing to launch in the direction of the man. He had to catch him off guard so he could get close enough to land some punches in. 

The man doesn’t answer. 

“No name?” Spider-Man confirms. “That’s sick.” 

Without much warning or saying anything else, Spider-Man leaps from his spot on a light pole, shoots a web out, and curves back in behind Masked Man, getting a kick to the back of his legs in, making the man stumble and fall over. The gun stayed in place. 

Damnit. 

“Is the gun Gorilla Glued to your hand or something?” Peter asks.  

The man dodges webs shot at him trying to tie him up and continues to take shots at Spider-Man. Peter gets a running start and flings himself at the man, ready for a little close hand to hand combat. Sure, it wasn’t his strong suit but he could kick some ass if he had to. He’s lucky his Spidey-senses warn him when he’s about to get shot so he can easily avoid the crazy guys shots even this close to him. 

He shoots webs at the mans hands, trying to get them to stay still. If he could still the man, he could get the gun. A few quick kicks to the bad guys ankles, a punch or two to his face when he got close enough, and a shit ton of webs being shot out, but the man wasn’t letting up, still shooting at Spider-Man and now turning his gun in the direction of the civilians. Great. 

Peter shot a web at the end of the gun, blocking whatever was being shot out of it for just a second before it just melted away when he kept pulling the trigger. 

“Don’t you have a bad guy monologue or something?” Peter grumbled as he fought. 

From behind him he heard a gun shot, an actual one that doesn’t glow when you flip a switch and melt away his webs. Peter whips around trying to spot where the sound came from, only to see more cops and a red mask bouncing in between them with a gun pointed up. 

“Yoohoo!” Deadpool tells when he reaches the edge of the police lineup. “Need some help Spidey-Boy?” 

Peter grunted. He thought Wade was at that apartment he was telling him about. Doesn’t matter, he tells himself. He could use the help. 

“No killing, Pool!” Spider-Man reminds him and then jumps in front of the man with the glowing gun. 

“Can’t take me down on your own, little spider? Pathetic.” Masked Man taunts. “I was lead to believe that you were the savior of the city.”

Peter rolls his eyes, “It’s okay to ask for help every once in a while. Especially when there some lunatic shooting a glowing alien gun at you.” 

With that, Spider-Man gets swift kick in, knocking the man down, but the shooting continues. Deadpool rushes over while Spider-Man tries clogging the gun for a second time, making sure to layer up the webbing so it doesn’t melt so fast. 

“What’s this guys problem?” Deadpool wonders and steps on the man wrist. The shooting continues, blocked by the webbing momentarily until that finally melts away too, which Peter is quick to cover up again. What the fuck is coming out of that gun? 

“Dunno. We need to get the gun, but it’s stuck to him somehow and it’s too strong for my webs to keep it covered for long.” Peter explains, keeping his eye on the end of the gun, watching the webbing become thinner, but not melting away nearly as fast due to the several layers he had put down. 

Before Peter could even blink, Deadpool was pulling out his katana and sliced Masked Man’s hand clean off. His scream was loud and piercing, but it was nothing on the gasps of horror from the nosy civilians. 

“Deadpool!” Spider-Man shouts, shocked by the action. 

The merc just shrugs, “You said no killing.” 

Good point. 

Thankfully, the sliced off hand stops shooting. Good thing too because Peter was about to have to start webbing the gun up again. 

“‘Kay, we should go.” Wade says and resheaths his katana. He leans down and grabs the glowing purple gun, the severed hand coming along with it as he inspects it.

"The gun is attached to his hand. Like it apart of him.” Deadpool observes. “And this gun definitely isn’t from earth.” 

Spider-Man nods, “Should we take it with us?”

Deadpool only nods. Okay, cool. Peter leans over and lifts the mask on the man. Some weird old white guy that Peter has never seen before.

”You’ll pay for this, Spider-Man.” The criminal waves his handless arm around. Peter waves the police over, sure that this man is no longer a threat.

”That sucks. I’m kinda broke so you won’t be getting very much from me.” Spider-Man quips once more before gesturing for Deadpool to climb on his back and shooting a web to take off.

As they fly threw the air, Deadpool squeezes him tightly, afraid to fall or be dropped. As much as the guy annoyed Peter, he would never let him fall, even if he would heal from whatever injuries that come from it.

When they land on a building a few miles away, Deadpool falls to his knees making barfing noises. Peter rolls his eyes under his mask. Transport via web wasn’t that bad. Deadpool is just a drama queen. 

“That’s the worst form of travel.” Deadpool groans. 

“Are you going to tell me about your plan?” Spider-Man asks with his arms crossed. Deadpool groans and flops down to lay on the roof, stomach up, staring at the sky through the lenses of his mask. Peter decides that sitting next to him won’t hurt anything and sits down, criss cross applesauce style. 

Yes he’s a twenty year old man and still says criss cross applesauce. 

“My frenemy Weasel has an apartment over St. Margrets and it didn’t occur to me until today that maybe we should capture this guy in our territory that way we have the upper hand.”Deadpool begins to explain. “I think we lure him in with little baby Pete, a consenting adult, and tell him to meet at Pete’s apartment.”

He pauses.

”Yes, Yellow, I know it’s not actually Peter’s apartment.” Deadpool sighs. Peter holds back a chuckle and stays quiet, waiting for Deadpool to finish his plan.

”I cleaned the place up today a little before coming to your rescue today, so it won’t be suspicious. We just have to get Petey-Pie to make contact with him so we can get him there.” Deadpool finishes. 

“We could have him message him online. Through Facebook or something.” Spider-Man suggests. He could do that. He could make a Facebook page and find the guy, chat him up, then request to meet. Catfishing older men wasn’t hard because they were stupid when it comes to the internet. 

“Fine by me, baby boy.” Deadpool sits up and starts inspecting the gun with the severed hand closer. Peter forgot about the gun.

“Where do you think it came from?” Peter asks quietly, as not to disturb Wade’s focus on the weapon. If anyone should know about weapons, it would be Deadpool, right? Because Peter had no clue where a weapon like that would come from.

Wade hums, “No clue, but it’s some pretty powerful shit if it made the hand attach itself. We’ll add that to the To-Do list of things we need to address. First is the perv.”

Fair enough, Peter thinks. 

“You should come over with your computer to make contact with the shit stain.” Deadpool says after a few moments. Spider-Man hasn’t been to Wade’s place. Sure Peter has, but Wade doesn’t know they are the same person.

"Okay,” Spider-Man agrees. Wade’s head snaps up to look at him in surprise, obviously not expecting Spider-Man to agree to simply. Usually Peter wouldn’t, but he knows they need to get the show on the road and capture this guy. 

Wade stands and dusts his suit off. He throws gun over his shoulder to carry it and lets out a screech when the gun accidentally goes off, thankfully still being blocked by the webbing Spider-Man had layered over it. 

“Oops,” Deadpool says and brings the gun back in front of him, trying to find the safety. 

“Be careful with that thing,” Peter warns. He should probably take it with him. Deadpool can be thrusted though, so he’ll let him keep it. He turns to jump off the building, only to be stopped by Deadpool calling out for him. 

“Thought we were going to me place, baby boy!” The merc almost cries. 

“I have to get my computer, don’t i?” Peter laughs. “I’ll meet you there. Give me like thirty minutes.” 

With that he jumps off the edge of the building and starts swinging int the direction of his webbed up book-bag, hoping that no one managed to get it down from its spot. Behind him could hear Deadpool’s faint grumbling about always being left on the tops of buildings having to walk home. It makes Peter grin. 

~~~

When Peter finally arrives to Wade’s place, Spider-Man suit still on and his thankfully not stolen backpack slung over his shoulder, the door was wide open letting the cool evening breeze flow through the apartment. 

“Deadpool?” Peter calls, sticking his head in the entranceway without entering. Aunt May taught him manners and entering someone’s house without permission was a no-no. 

“Come in, baby boy! I’m making chimichangas!” Wade calls from across the apartment. Spider-Man looks around for Blind Al as he enters the apartment. If he was going to be at a mercenary’s apartment he’d rather keep his presence on the DL. Though he isn’t sure Blind Al would actually care if he was there or not; she doesn’t seem impressed by that kind of stuff. 

Wade was standing in the kitchen with a frilly apron humming to himself as he makes chimichangas, though it didn’t look like he was actually doing it right. Peter was unsure as he’s never really cooked a real meal for himself ever. 

“Spidey! Woo! Now we’re cookin’.” Deadpool cheers and shakes his hips and points his spatula at Spider-Man. Spider-Man cocks his head and lays his backpack on the counter and pulls his laptop out, careful to not pull out any books that would expose where he went to school. 

He jumps up on the counter to sit rather than sitting at the table and opens the laptop, pulling up Facebook and starting to create a new account. He enters the fake email that he’s used before for Spider-Man stuff and tries his best to find decent enough photos of himself as Peter Parker, ones that made him look young. Younger than he already looks. The thought made his stomach twist in disgust. He hated thinking about the man that they were after and he hated thinking about the gross plan they had come up with the find him and capture him for good. His subconscious tells him that the police set up sting operations like the all that time to catch creeps, so it comforts him a tiny bit. 

“Whatcha doing baby boy?” Deadpool comes over to him, letting the chimichangas fry for a few moments. He leans on the counter with his hip and crosses his arms over his apron covered chest. Peter looks up through his lenses at the Deadpool mask.

He tips the screen back so the merc could see, “Making a Facebook page like planned.” 

“Yellow says to make sure you add a sexy pic of Petey-Pie,” Deadpool tells him. 

An odd sense of jealousy rushes through Peter. What the hell? He IS Peter. Why would he be jealous of himself, and why should he be jealous at all? 

“Aw, Spidey!” Deadpool pokes his knee. “You seem a little tense after I said that ‘bout little Petey. You know you’re the only one for me.” 

“Yeah, whatever,” Spider-Man dismisses. He’s not gonna tell Deadpool about his weird crush on him. Was it a weird crush or was he just craving attention? Either way Deadpool would never let it go and would taunt Peter for the rest of eternity. 

Peter adds another picture of himself, one that he deems himself decent enough in, and clicks save. He makes sure to add a few posts about stupid things, give the page some character and make it look like someone uses regularly. Deadpool watches from his side, keeping quiet. Occasionally he would point out a post that he thought was funny and Peter would like it, maybe share it if he thought it was fitting for the page. 

When the chimichangas were finished cooking, Wade took the computer from Peter and replaced it with a plate.

Peter grunts, “I’m not finished yet.”

"Gotta eat, baby boy.” Deadpool tells him. “You’re skin and bones.” 

Spider-Man rolls his eyes, but does as asked. He eyes the merc for a moment before rolling his mask up to uncover his mouth, keeping his head down as he ate. Wade did the same, but had himself turned away slightly so Peter couldn’t fully see him. 

Peter takes a bite and moans at the taste. 

“This is so good.” Spider-Man tells Deadpool when the merc looks up at the unexpected noise. He gives Peter a small grin and turns away again. 

While they ate, Peter kept quiet, enjoying the food he was given, and Wade started talking, food in his mouth and all. 

“I was thinking that me and you could have our own buddy-cop TV show, ya feel? A good cop bad cop kinda thing. Maybe Disney will pick it up and make the show like the are about that Loki guy. I mean, isn’t he like a bad guy? Or have we moved on from that and stan him now? I’ve never hated the guy, personally. I think he made some pretty good points in New York the one time. Plus the Josh Brolin motherfucker Thanos? He snapped in half. In conclusion, we stan harder than ever before.” Deadpool rambled. 

Spider-Man had no clue what the man was talking about. He knew Loki, sure. He’s ran into him a few time. He even got a hotdog from him once. But he doesn’t know who Thanos is, or Josh Brolin for that matter. 

“God, that time Thanos dusted you was super shitty. I cried for fucking years. Five years, give or take.” Deadpool tells him. Peter looks up and watches as the man crams the rest of his food down his throat. Peter had no clue how he even ate one bite when he was talking so much. 

Peter quickly finishes his food and pulls his mask back over his chin. 

“Would you like to chat with the guy or do you want me to?” He asks when Deadpool takes his plate and he’s able to grab his laptop again. 

“Ooh! I wanna!” 

The laptop was snatched out of his hands and sat down on the counter next to him, Deadpool searching for the man, finding him and then sending him a quick message that simply greets him with a “hey”. 

“There. That should do it.” The merc decides. 

“Really though you’d make it more exciting than that.” 

“You don’t wanna go too hard and scare him away. Trust me, I’m a professional at chatting up men online.”

"Oh.” 

“Not in a way that gets me any action. Mostly to hunt down people I’m looking for. You know how it is.” Deadpool tells him, which comforts Peter in a way that was super confusing. He needed to get himself in check. 

“Right,” Spider-Man clears his throat. “Well I should go. I’ll message him for the next couple of day, get close to him. All that. Then I’ll tell him that him and Peter should meet.” 

“Sounds good to me.” Wade tells him. Spider-Man nods and hops down from the counter and closes his laptop. He stuffs it into his bag and slings it over his shoulder. 

“Thanks for dinner, Pool.” He tells the man. “I’ll keep you updated.”

When he leaves Peter can’t help but think that maybe he should’ve stayed and kept messaging the guy with Wade at his side. He shakes the thought out of his head and swings off to his apartment to meet Ned. 

 


End file.
